Feminism | Posted by Cassandra M on 07/14/2009
A Summer of Victory
It’s a dark night and I present the birthday girl with a bottle of cognac. She looks up at me, shocked, through heavy fake lashes fringing her eyes. “This is expensive,” she says after a pause. I slap her on the back in congratulations. “Sure is,” I say, “and I’m going to teach you how to drink like a classy broad!”
It’s the summer of ’08, a thoroughly unremarkable year for us Canadians. We can only take swipes at Obama fever that filters through spread finger tips. Our political scene is drudgery, our culture is dry, and the most innovative thing that we can brag about is that a new strip mall opened a few blocks from here.
For me, though, it’s a fantastic summer, a summer of victory. For the first time I have overcome my social anxiety to go to a party.
Social anxiety is a disability, and disability is a feminist issue. I have known men with social anxiety, and I have known women with social anxiety, and their experiences can differ due to the socialization women undergo. It’s especially hard for teenage girls.
There’s such pressure. Men on the street tell me to ‘smile!’, magazine articles blare out unhelpfully that these are the BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE, and that I will be the hottest I ever am, and parents tsk unhelpfully when you hang back during social events.
Being able to access health care and treatment for my social anxiety, having my social anxiety and depression known as a problem, these are strides forward. Having a support system in my school that allowed me to get diagnosed and get the help I need is a good start.
However, we must work to remove the things that stop young women from coming forward about their disabilities. It seems too minor, one girl might think. Another might laughingly treat her disability as nothing, telling the story of how she hid in a closet around strangers as if it was the funniest thing ever. We don’t want to be a bother! We’ll just sit here and suffer quietly.
No more!
If it is a disability, there is no such thing as it being ‘too minor’, and if it is a disability, we must remove whatever barriers people face in getting the help they need. For one day, you too might be able to go to a party and laugh and joke without hiding in that closet, bursting into tears, or just staying home
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Sev @ at 1:52 pm, July 14th, 2009
Thank you. Thank you so much for writing this. From the depths of my soul, thank you.
Niamh @ at 3:50 pm, July 14th, 2009
THANK-YOU! THANK-YOU, THANK-YOU, THANK-YOU! Seriously!! I meant it! I’m 14 and even though I’m a loyal reader of Jezebel and a number of other feminist blogs, none of them touch more than briefly on our generation’s complete lack of recognition that we live in a sexist society. I think the name of the blog is perfect because it seems that whenever I am pulled into a debate by one of my classmates over some vile form of sexism (Like a book of glamor for girls and a survival guide for guys! Sold side by side at a middle school book fair, made by the same publishing house, with the same cover art! But that’s another story…), one of the first things I hear is “I bet you’re a feminist, aren’t you?”. The way they say “feminist” disgusts me, they say it like like the label “communist” was spoken back in the era of McCarthyism. Thank-you for reminding me I’m not the only teen who is disturbed by our backwards world.
Mythica @ at 7:18 pm, July 14th, 2009
The attitudes of people toward women with disabilities – espeically “invisible” or not immediately obvious ones – are horrific. A
s someone with a variant of Chronic Fatigue, anxiety and depressive issues who WAS a full time carer for her partner (he has fibromyalgia), I’m just disgusted by it all. There is a clear difference in the way people treat me, and him, while both of us have illnesses that are not immediately apparent.
Sophia @ at 7:37 pm, July 14th, 2009
I really hope these aren’t the best years of my life! Not to be overly dramatic, but my adolescence hasn’t exactly been a nonstop compilation of stupid actions I laugh about while retelling the events in school the next day.
Its also always a bit tricky when it comes to mental health or ‘invisible’ physical health problems. When you let people know you’re sick or mentally vulnerable, its like you’ve given them (especially men) permission to treat you like a weak little girl who needs help and guidance in all things.
Or people think you’re a freak and don’t want to talk to you for fear of contracting the weirdness that is you…
Also:
FBOMB.ORG ROCKS MY WORLD
janey @ at 7:41 pm, July 14th, 2009
I’m so glad that there is a forum for young women to speak their minds. And sadly, mental illness (of all kinds) is often brushed off, or something not to be taken seriously. It’s fucking serious. People tend to not understand that, if you could just “snap” yourself out of it.. wouldn’t you?
I have been dealing with depression and anxiety since my early teens (13ish), and almost 10 years later, at 22, I’m still dealing with them.
It took me a long time to get to the point where I could ask for help and realize that I couldn’t take care of myself, by myself, anymore. That’s the hardest part, hardest hurdle to jump over.
I know I’m not the target audience for this blog, but I feel as though I can impart some wisdom:
don’t feel hopeless and worthless just because being extroverted and social does not come natural to you. Take time to be with yourself, write, paint, listen to music… whatever it is, and just try to understand why, where and how your feelings are coming from.
Being self-aware goes a really long way. It may not be the most fun you could ever have, and at times it will be tiring and trying… but trust me, the better you can get to know yourself, the easier dealing with depression and anxiety can be.
Marium @ at 8:51 pm, July 14th, 2009
ya mon, my sister the other day said “ew, feminists” wtf!!! She’s 19!!! I feel like today the word feminist is associated with bra-burning and man-hating, and not every feminist is like that.
Kaila @ at 10:43 pm, July 14th, 2009
Being uncomfortable in a social situation is NOT a disability.
Everyone gets sad, feels left out, feels pressure. It is part of the human experience. You are rather lacking in a back bone for a feminist if the things you listed are causing you to be depressed to the point of it being a ‘disability’. Would you be as upset if a woman told you to smile? I personally say that to people I pass in the street here in New York City.
Just accept yourself for who you are, find others who are kindred to you. None in your town? As you obviously have realize, there is a whole world of like minded people out there with whom you can connect to over the internet.
I’ve only read a few posts of this blog, and I may have just graduated from being a teen, but it seems more like you’re just trying to mask your own insecurities with ‘the plight of the woman’. Sexism does still exist, yes. So does racism, nationalism, colour-of-your-fucking-hair-ism. But honestly, the world we live in is a cake walk for women in comparison to how it used to be. If you want to improve on it, sitting around whining about not being understood is not going to fix anything.
During my teens years I didn’t fit in with the crowds, be it in the growing city of Charlotte, NC or the established streets of Toronto, ON. I even spent a summer homeless traveling the country with my best friend. Why? Because we could. Life is what you make of it, and if you don’t do anything with it, the only person you can blame is yourself. Not your parents, not your teachers or your classmates, and certainly not society. They can affect you, most definitely, but part of the challenge of life is overcoming obstacles and down right living.
As silly as it is to say on a ‘blog for teenage feminists’, grow up please. I say this in the kindest regard, for you obviously are in need of a hug.
Cassandra M. @ at 10:51 pm, July 14th, 2009
Kalia,
I appreciate your input.
The reason I speak as a woman with a disability is because I have a disability. I have been in the mental care youth ward of a hospital for three weeks, I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder by a pyschiatrist, I have been on six different forms of anti-anxiety medicine and anti-depressants.
Hiding in closets at parties because you fear being seen is not introversion, and crying hysterically or isolating oneself from society out of fear is not being a wallflower.
Encouraging other young women in the situation to find support networks, help change society to remove barriers to care, and so on is not whining.
Rabbit White @ at 9:09 am, July 15th, 2009
Thank you for this. For whatever reason is recent years I’ve felt that feminism has distanced itself from mental health and psychological issues with women. Perhaps it began with Camille Paglia writing that feminism had become a moldy vegetable drawer of clingy sob sisters and incest survivors.
But in response feminism (and everyone for that matter just look at this girl who posted above you) turns their head to those with disabilities and trauma?
While the second wave had their own problems and errors they did have that sisterhood thing going on, and they were for sure supportive of mental health and disability issues for women! Why the hell has that faded away?!
Well in the 80s we did get prescription meds for depression and anxiety. As for incest and sexual trauma (which is almost always repressed to an extent) the so called “False Memory Foundation” which was made up almost entirely of men who were accused of being sexual abusers came in with power and made the media(falsely) believe that these women were lying. Remember, incest is not taboo, but talking about it is.
I say these are feminist issues and ones that could use a little bit of that retro second wave sisterhood. So right on, sister.
Steph @ at 2:20 pm, July 15th, 2009
Hey Cassandra,
Thanks for the post. I hate it when you’re in a conversation with friends sharing stories, chatting, etc., and then someone brings up one of those stories that is supposed to be “funny” and is really just not funny AT ALL. For example, laughing about hwo someone hid in a room at a party. Or, how a group of girls insulted and teased this other girl until she left the part sobbing. Or how a guy forced himself on some girl and she slept with him cause she was sooo wasted, omg isn’t that funny?
I’ve heard “funny” stories like this shared among groups of people and have always been disgusted at the way disabilities, unkindness, sexism and just plain cruelty is dismissed as the stuff of jokes.
Thanks for remininding us that disabilities, whether they be physical or mental health issues, are very serious.
Steph
P.S. One thing I have to take issue with, though…our supposedly dry Canadian culture?! Speaking as a born and raised Canadian from Ottawa, this isn’t exactly true. (Though you might live in a small town, in which case, I know what you mean! County fairs and 4-H shows…I’ve been there too.)
Cassandra M. @ at 4:26 pm, July 15th, 2009
Steph,
I live in an area of Toronto that is surrounded by strip malls and grocery stores. My wallet is dry. It’s interesting how this little pocket of Toronto simulates a bit of small-town culture – everyone escapes to the city whatever chance they gets and parties when they don’t, haha.
Hepzibah @ at 6:06 pm, July 15th, 2009
Hi Cassandra, I was linked to your article from the fword blog, and at the ripe old age of 28 (still 14 in my head, though) I loved your article, and would have been overjoyed to read something like it as a teenager. I suffered from social anxiety and depression for years, and was completely miserable as a teenager. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I finally confronted the fact that I had an illness, and started going to counsellling and taking antidepressants. For years, I just assumed there was something fundamentally wrong with me – that I was unfixable. Realising that it was an illness, that it could be cured – and, more importantly, that there were other people feeling like me – was like the sun coming up. So thank you for your article – and best wishes for your future – hope it involves lots more parties.
Emily @ at 11:00 am, July 18th, 2009
Hey, i have social anxiety to an extent. I was constantly worried I didn’t go to enough parties before 18 (one would have been nice!). As for making the most of life and my youthful hotness, now i’ve done my first year at uni and done everything else, been to every party to prove something to myself. And I feel like I’ve wasted a year. All I have is memories of me being bored; partying is not my thing, sitting in writing and reading I have awesome memories from! :/ I did a load of things to tick some boxes and now feel this has been the biggest waste of a year ever.
Would I rather die not having read every book I want to? Or not having presented myself at 200 or so very mundane, false parties?
I definitely think we need young women speaking their mind about sexism. Sexism needs to be something every girl is ‘wtf?’ at every time it happens. I get the impression women everywhere are hurt by it.
I hate what is (I feel) a huge issue for a lot of young women and my friends – the fact we’re constantly told we’re on one side of a shelf life and NOW is the hottest we’ll ever be. ‘You hate the attention of 40 year old men- make the most of it!’
We’re not living in reality, just a male fantasy that plays at it -just to sort of paraphrase Mary Daly
Our world is soo backwards and we couldn’t be freakier for thinking forwards.
Find some friends who you can be yourself with – and ignore social gatherings if you have no impulse whatsoever to join them.
LonerGrrrl @ at 10:59 am, July 19th, 2009
Hi Cassandra, it’s so refreshing to read about social anxiety from a feminist perspective. You’re so right when you say the socialisation girls undergo makes our anxiety or disinterest in being social to be perceived differently than it is in men. Men who don’t talk and keep to themselves are the ‘strong, silent type’ and ‘cool’, whilst women are seen as awkward, moody and selfish for preferring to keep to themselves.
I’m 25 yrs old, and have tendencies towards social anxiety, but I’m mainly someone who does prefer her own company over partying and socialising with others. I can only echo what Emily and Janey have said above, about not being afraid to spend time with yourself and gathering strength from that.
If social anxiety is stopping you from living your day to day life, it’s important to seek help, but I would also advise you to not go against your true nature in order to fit in. I agree with Emily in that times spent at social gatherings can be boring, and time spent doing what you want to do instead can make you happier.
xx