Feminism | Posted by Maria on 09/18/2009
Life Without a Life Mate
I’m on a number of social networking sites, and on some of these, there are introduction threads. On one of these, they asked us state our long term goals and I wrote what I considered to be the basics.
- graduate from college
- get a job I don’t hate
- write and publish books
- hold the leaders of the free world hostage and make them listen to Abba
- beat Stephenie Meyer with a hard back copy of Breaking Dawn in a pillow case.
You know, the important stuff. But apparently I missed the memo. The one that says somewhere in the long-term goals section, a girl must list the desire to marry and procreate.
perhaps not
Just to set the record straight, I’m not going to say that the idea of finding a nice guy, having a big party to celebrate the finding of said guy, and makinglittle people out of our combined genetic material doesn’t sound like a potentially good time. But as a child of divorce, I also recognize that it could be a potentially disastrous time! And I think it’s a bit stupid to plan my life around that possibility.
What really irks me about it is that it carries the unspoken understanding that, if you don’t have these – a partner and children – your life has less meaning, less worth, than someone who does. For some reason, your life is not complete until you have these things. Admittedly, men do feel this pressure too. But I haven’t noticed it being quite as intense as it is for women. For my brother, the question is ‘don’t you want a girl friend?’ For me, the question tends to be ‘don’t you want a husband?’ For guys, there is an implication of impermanence; that girls are transitory. Women are burdened with permanence; we have to lure in a man, beat him over the head with our rolling pins, and drag him to our happy home.
I want to know why can’t we all just follow our respective bliss’? What’s wrong with writing my stories, starting my small business, having some good friends, and being happy with that? If I find someone I want to spiritually, economically, and emotionally tie myself to for the rest of my life, then YAY ME. But I refuse to be burdened with societies’ judgment that I have failed at life because I lack a significant other. Marriage is a wonderful institution. I’m just not ready to be institutionalized.
Maria also writes for her own blog, http://mariameeps.blogspot.com/
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Helen H. @ at 3:54 pm, September 18th, 2009
“I’m just not ready to be institutionalized.”
Classic
Zoe @ at 5:26 pm, September 18th, 2009
I, personally, know that marriage is one of those life goals that I have. It always has been. How I’m going to go about accomplishing this, though, has changed over the years. I realized that this isn’t something I want to rush into because if I want a happy marriage, I really shouldn’t marry out of high school. Really. So I’m going to take my time and not settle.
In terms of children, I remember being little and my aunt and uncle did not have children. And I asked my parents why they didn’t have kids. Because, being little and very assuming about the world, I thought all couples had kids. Now, I look at them and realize how smart they were. They’re still happily married and way richer than they would be with kids. Rich enough to spread the wealth every Christmas
Marta @ at 6:33 pm, September 18th, 2009
As someone who used to hold your views, and somehow still holds them now that she’s married – ironically, way sooner than all her mates that put marriage as a necessary condition to be a “real, accomplished woman”… well, I see you on the good road to a happy and healthy life – with or without a partner at your side.
Widget @ at 10:06 pm, September 18th, 2009
I love this post a whole lot and wish to subscribe to your brain.
Danielle @ at 11:17 pm, September 18th, 2009
Or that a relationship partner-because everyone is monogamous- is only serious if you’re married. I just don’t want to be married-I don’t like the institution, and I sure as hell am not taking on someone else’s debt.
Chelsea! @ at 7:19 pm, September 19th, 2009
I’m in the process of reading The Feminine Mystique, and that’s what the book talks about, is women can’t find who they are unless they have a man and kids, and then even then their lives are meaningless as housewives. This post is good, good for you
I also would like to beat Stephanie Meyer over the head, too. The Twilight Saga blows dogs for quarters.
the Constantly Dramatic One @ at 11:58 pm, September 20th, 2009
“Marriage is a wonderful institution. I’m just not ready to be institutionalized.”
Oh, bravo.
K8 AH @ at 12:08 pm, September 22nd, 2009
I must admit that my husband and I did the whole “marriage” thing more for our families… Our marriage is not all that traditional. My husband is my best friend and a Feminist.
We also are of the belief that having children can ruin some perfectly good relationships; neither of us want them. My husband is a child of divorce and definitely sees the potentially “disastrous” time that having children could be too. So, it was really offensive that when we did get married everyone kept asking, “so when are you going to start having babies?” (Insert big stupid grin). “Um, we don’t plan to have children.” “What!?!? You will change your mind.” “No, actually we are pretty sure about this.” “Oh you have to have , children, it changes your life!” “I don’t want to change my life.” Blah Blah Blah… exchanging of disturbed looks… things went on like this for a few years. I think people are finally starting to believe us. I am 30 and we have been married for almost 7 years now and we don’t even have a dog.
We are in a band together, we tour around the country playing rock/electronic music, we don’t have health insurance and we keep separate bank accounts. We live a little differently and it is starting to be hard to find friends who also do not particularly relish the idea of children consuming their entire life…
The bottom line is that when it comes to how to live your life people should not do things according to how they think they are “supposed to.” Getting married and having children simply because society makes you think that you are “supposed to” is the true recipe for disaster.
Live in a way that makes you happy and you will be complete!
Issy @ at 4:19 pm, September 22nd, 2009
Facebook has an annoying habit of downing me in ads for FIND LOCAL SINGLES NOW! if you list yourself as single…like the most important thing on a single person’s mind is finding someone, or that being single is somehow a disorder that needs to be remedied, a tragic void between relationships. Some people like being coupled up, some don’t. I don’t go around guilting my relationship minded friends that they would be more fun if they broke up, why is it socially acceptable for my coupled friends to try to fix my single-ness? Seems like a double standard
Frankie Cary @ at 6:11 pm, September 28th, 2009
Brilliant. ““Marriage is a wonderful institution. I’m just not ready to be institutionalized.” I’m studying sociology at the moment, I think I may write about this quote. Feminism all the way.
SarahC @ at 10:28 pm, September 28th, 2009
“beat Stephenie Meyer with a hard back copy of Breaking Dawn in a pillow case.”–You win.
Anyways, I’ve had the same problem. Everyone assumes I’m going to come around and get married. My extended family, my mother, my father, my shrink. They’ve stopped trying to convince me that I’ll change my mind about not having kids, but they still think that getting married is going to happen.
I don’t want marriage. I mean, if I’ve been living with somebody for several years, and want to put them in charge of my organs should I die, or give them visiting rights, I’ll probably get married, but that’s coincidental. It’s not a goal. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, that’s great, too.
Ken Kendall @ at 9:08 pm, October 5th, 2009
I really like what so many of you have to say. There is nothing inherent in marriage that makes a woman better. In fact, it is the other way around. A great woman can make a marriage better. And so can a great man.
I have posted here before but I wanted to ask as many of you as possible, to read my blog and tell me what you think of it. Does it sound sexist to you? Would you be interested in a man like I describe a great husband to be? I am very interested in another perspective.
Please check out the blog and let me know your thoughts. I really value any feedback you have.
http://whatsheneedsfromyou.wordpress.com
Thanks again for the many of you that have visited in the past.
Ken
Eleanor @ at 10:18 pm, October 21st, 2009
I would argue the merits of marriage itself (If you are happy and want to stay together, do so. You don’t need to complicate it legally to ensure a messier breakup, should that happen.), but that’s not what this is about.
Personally, I don’t want to be married as a logical debate (see above) and I passionately, adamantly do not want children under both logical and emotional considerations. Just as K8 AH does, I harbor distaste for the lack of respect these views get. It’s a matter of inexperience, of “Oh, no. Nobody actually wants that. Just wait a bit and you will be a happy baby machine.”
This sort of view is just as prevalent in education. “Oh, no post secondary? You are probably just a troglodyte then, couldn’t understand difficult textbook words.” Anything you want to do in life that is not Work or Family is Not Okay.
It’s a social change, though. The options are all technically there. You don’t have to have kids, and you don’t have to be a lawyer. You can’t change what others think, so what can you do?
Personally I stick to the “screw them, do it anyway” philosophy, but it’s no less aggravating.
Bree @ at 8:55 pm, November 30th, 2009
A lot of people seem shocked that I don’t PLAN on getting married. I talk to girls and they say “My future husband this” and “My future husband that” and then expect me to want to get married soon too.
Demi @ at 1:13 am, March 12th, 2011
A guest speaker came to my Catholic all-girls school a couple of weeks ago. Here’s basically what he said:
“Girls’ biggest fear is that they won’t find a husband…Guys just want sex, and girls are after marriage and babies.” At first I thought that he was making stupid assumptions, but then I asked a bunch of friends what they thought. Even they couldn’t believe that marriage wasn’t on my List Of Stuff I Need To Do!
Why is it viewed as abnormal for girls and women to feel complete without a husband?