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• sangetencre @ at 11:51 am, January 15th, 2010
  

  ““I don’t know, now that I’m married I don’t ever want to do laundry again.””

  I think my response would have been along the lines of “You’ll be doing the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and every other little chore if you don’t step up and make this relationship a partnership instead of domestic slavery.”

  I don’t know that I’d say that this is “normal.”

  But perhaps, that it’s not uncommon.

  Your husband’s attitude reeks of male privilege.

  Did he grow up in a family that had this dynamic that he sees? That may be part of it.

  Or it may simply be from the sexism that we’re all soaking in.

  There’s absolutely no reason for you to be falling all over yourself to do everything around the home.

  It’s his home too. His laundry. His dietary needs. (Presumably jointly owned cats?

  But, I think that’s going to require a sit down, serious discussion about partnership and basic respect for you (and your relationship with him, if he’d like to keep it) with the emphatic line that you are not his mother, nor his keeper.

  And in the end, it may take some real life examples: such as only doing your laundry, only cooking for yourself, only doing those chores that you can’t stand not doing, etc., in order to make him realize that you’re not kidding.

• K8 AH @ at 12:00 pm, January 15th, 2010
  

  I don’t think “most” men do feel that way. It sounds like your man is just lazy. What role did his mother play in is family??? Did she wait on him hand and foot? I am also a young wife. My husband makes more money than I do but when I came home from work yesterday, he had the dishes and the laundry done and had straightened up the living room. Marriage or cohabitation of any kind is a partnership and the bottom line is that it is about mutual respect. Respect is the key. My husband also identifies as a feminist and holds women in extremely high regard. He was mostly raised by a single mother and his two older sisters though which I think definitely made an impression on him.

• ag @ at 12:13 pm, January 15th, 2010
  

  Well that’s exactly what the mentality here, in eastern Europe is. Men think, that they can do anything (or nothing), but the women have these strict roles to play. Combined with full time job it makes a robot not a wife. And then you have these stories in magazines, how you supposed to be happy working your ass off and making your lazy ass husband happy too. Ghrr… I’ve heard they come from western Europe, or even USA to marry our girls, just because they think this is normal, and this is how it is supposed to be.. Sad.

• emily @ at 12:19 pm, January 15th, 2010
  

  i would have said right back “now that I’M married, i never want to laundry again either! SO WHY DON’T YOU GET A JOB AND WE’LL HIRE A MAID.”

  it’s ridiculous AND infuriating to me that your husband is expecting you to adhere to these arcane gender conventions, without pulling his own weight! he’s expecting you to be a “good wife” (for all the reasons you’ve listed) and a “good husband” (by being the sole breadwinner as well!). what a nice deal for him! he doesn’t have to do a thing!

  i think he needs a wake up call. marriage is a partnership, and if he’s not willing to be your full partner, maybe it’s time for a change.

• Sarah @ at 12:27 pm, January 15th, 2010
  

  Hi. I’m a young wife, too (25, married a year and a half). Every man doesn’t think that way, and it’s not okay, at all.

  My husband and I split chores and other household duties, more or less based on who likes doing which chores. I really like cooking, I see it as a hobby, so I do most of the meal prep. He absolutely does the dishes. I have a soft spot for laundry too; he does all the vacuuming. If he ever demanded that I take on a domestic chore, that would be a problem – and vice versa. The key to marriage is mutual respect, and treating your partner (of either gender) like a servant is, in no way, respectful.

• Kim @ at 12:27 pm, January 15th, 2010
  

  I don’t really think that is very normal, but I don’t get to see how most of the world or even the western world lives their lives. I know among the many married couples I know, this simply does not happen. People split up the chores different ways – for instance I know lots of families for whom cooking is still the sole provenance of the wife – but in those cases the husband takes care of cleaning things or something else.

  It will be really taxing on you and your love over time if he continues to not acknowledge how much work you do in the home (and possibly outside of it) and not in turn participate in the work.

  I would start with getting him to acknowledge how much work is there to do. How much of it you do. Examine what it is that makes him think this is the default. He has to see the imbalance and recognize it as an imbalance before he will even consider changing, I suspect.

• Clio @ at 12:42 pm, January 15th, 2010
  

  I do all the household chores and cooking, but that is because it is my hobby. I like it. After spending all day staring at the computer it is nice to use a different part of my brain.

  But my husband never points out the dirty spots in the house, complains about the cooking, etc. He does his own laundry and if I delegate a chore to him, he does it without complaining (much anyway). When he first moved in together I didn’t know how to cook, and I gradually took over more and more of it as I liked it and got better at it.

  What perpetuates the role that women play at home? A major factor is that many women would rather put up with their servitude status that avoid rocking the boat. Writing down the household chores (including cooking) and making a calendar that divides them up would be a good start. The most important rule is that no one can criticize the other’s performance. So he has to stop pointing out flaws in housekeeping. (“If it bothers you, fix it yourself!”) AND you can’t criticize his half-assed attempts to complete chores that he has probably never had to do before. If he doesn’t do a chore – don’t do it for him! Let the house get dirty and deal with eating crackers for a few meals, or you will be stuck with his behavior forever.

  I would also like to say, that circumstances like those you describe are one of the big reason why I advocate a one-year period of co-habitation prior to marriage.

• -Z- @ at 12:48 pm, January 15th, 2010
  

  I immediately wanted to pounce on you for this post- I couldn’t help it, it triggered such a visceral reaction. For instance:

  1. Who does this guy think he is?
  2. What would he be doing with himself if he was living alone, not married?
  3. Why have you stood for any of this??!

  I’m sorry, that was my initial reaction. It incited a little fury. But when I sit down and mull it over, I can understand how contradicting ideas of “domestic bliss” vary between two people living together, regardless of their marital situation.

  I like both of the previous comments. It does need a serious sit-down discussion. And it does need a feminist discussion. If you don’t hash these out in an open forum early on, your anxiety is going to build. And you will be having serious problems.

  You’re a woman. If his “his views toward women make you gag”, that includes you.

  Step up to the plate, challenge his comfort zone, and demand the consideration and respect you deserve.

• Faith @ at 12:55 pm, January 15th, 2010
  

  I don’t think that this is normal at all. Why should he expect you to work all day and then do all the household stuff too? When do you sleep? Or have time for yourself?
  Pull his clothes out of the laundry and tell him if he wants clean clothes do them himself. Same with his meals; make what you like or just enough for you and tell him to cook and clean up after himself. You can’t be his wife and his mother/maid at the same time. It’s not worth it.

• Alex Catgirl @ at 12:59 pm, January 15th, 2010
  

  Ummm no nice way to say it.

  Dump the L-O-S-E-R!

  1.) Playing video games is so NOT a project,it’s playing video games, an escape from reality that’s become quite popular with boys, you know what guys start out a. Some boys never grow up.

  I understand that up until 30 years ago women were expected to play the good housewife, but I had no idea that that was still how most men think.
  Most don’t, my mum is (swears everyone to secrecy) 60, she’s been married 25 years, if my dad acted like your husband, I would of never been born. If *I* told mother I wasn’t going to do chores, I’d be grounded until my brain re-engaged,I was responsible for feeding myself at 13(i had a debt card to pay for stuff), if I didn’t get off my bum and get food, I’d starve till one of the rents got home, at which point they would bitch me out before feeding me. It’s not unreasonable to expect your adult husband to have more maturatiy than a 13 yo.

  What you describe is what life was like back in the 1950s, they ended 50 years ago. Your husband has to adopt, or in Darwinian fashion die off.

  Is this normal?
  NO! He’s turned you into his own personal Maggie tool..don’t be a tool

• Mvibes @ at 1:20 pm, January 15th, 2010
  

  I dont understand how you could have married him with this problem?..I get that you love him, but did he not show signs of “when we get married YOU’LL be doing all the house work” when you were dating? Because that right there is a red flag for me, I would dump him. But, if I was like you, and really did love him I would work it out before marriage.
  This is NOT normal. I would stop doing house work. Tell him that you work all day and your tired when you come home. He does nothing but sit on his butt all day so HE should get up and do some fricken house work. I agree with Clio. Stop doing all the work. (make sandwiches for YOURSELF only for dinner. hes a big boy, he knows how a sandwich works.) Until he realizes that you ARE NOT HIS 40′s ‘goodwife’ nor his servant (which are basically thae same thing if you think about it)

• Ruth @ at 1:29 pm, January 15th, 2010
  

  My parents (dad works full time, mum works part time with flexible hours) seem fairly evenly split with housework, both will do laundry, cook (mum more than dad, but dad cooks lunch at weekends), stack the dishwasher ect, although my grandma does a lot of this as well. And I would like to point out that my dad and his brother were spoiled by their mother so change can happen! I think you ought to have a serious talk with him, and never do any of his designated chores.

• Amy CT @ at 2:10 pm, January 15th, 2010
  

  My mother does most of the cleaning and laundry in our house, but she can’t work due to a disability, and so I think she likes to do it – at least to the level that it makes her feel like she has a role to play.

  That said, had the car accident which caused the disability never occured, she’d have stayed a mechanical engineer, and I would never have been born, so…

  So, I think your husband is being unfair. Even though my Mum does all this, my Dad still cooks every weekend and during school holidays (he works in education)…

• Steph @ at 3:09 pm, January 15th, 2010
  

  That is NOT a healthy dynamic. Some good advice has been posted earlier about having a talk with him – do it. Personally, I do the cooking in my family, my little brother does the cleaning (when the lazy bastard can get around to it), and my mum and I do the laundry. She works full-time, so I try to do what I can around the house.
  But seriously, if you have a talk with him and it doesn’t work out, try staying with a friend for a day or two. I know this sounds horrible, and you love him and all, but if nothing else snaps him the fuck out of it, that should.

• S @ at 6:33 pm, January 15th, 2010
  

  Mvibes has the most appropriate comment in this thread; namely, why did you not discuss these things with your husband BEFORE you got married?

  Certainly this is a feminist issue in the general sense of the word, and of course there needs to be a continued challenge to handed-down attitudes to male and female roles, in the home and in wider society. But the fact that you didn’t even talk about simple things like who would do the chores before you decided to marry this man suggests that you’ve not exactly gone into it well-prepared. If you did talk about it, and he lied (“Of course I’ll do half the chores!”), then I concede you have a right to be aggrieved.

  Not all men have this attitude, though. Foaming at the mouth and blaming cultural stereotypes, handed-down preconceptions &c is missing the point in this case – the main question we need to be asking is “How can you marry someone without knowing how they envisage your life together?” You should have had an idea of where your future husband stood on things that are important to you – or is gender equality only an issue now you’re at the thin end of the wedge?

  If you want a man who treats you like an equal, find one, and take on gender equality in a wider and more useful way. Feminism, at least contemporary feminism, shouldn’t have to begin with converting the bloke you’re yoked to. Find one who’s pre-converted. It’s not hard to screen them… if it’s really that important to you.

  Damage correction time now – talk to him and tell him to grow up. Don’t do his laundry, obviously. Or just take a zero-effort approach in response to his pure laziness, and throw it all in together (preferably with something red).

• Suzie @ at 7:48 pm, January 15th, 2010
  

  Goodness, how did you marry that looser?

  Whenever I see girls I know who are feminists in outlook dating someone who puts naked-chick photos on the fridge, refuses to do the dishes, etc – I just wonder – HOW? WHY? Because if someone doesn’t respect you, they don’t love you!

• Jenni @ at 9:17 pm, January 15th, 2010
  

  Sounds to me as if you two are just getting to know each other – it happens in all marriages. You marry someone in the belief that you know them and whammo! There are always differences that you have to sort out together, and how you do this together will determine the success of your marriage.

  He must be basically a good man, otherwise you wouldn’t love him so much. Sounds to me as if he is slipping into a role that he believes is OK and that he hasn’t ever challenged. Perhaps being supported by his wife is more challenging than he realises – he may have retreated from the ‘real’ you to this stereotypical and unthinking behaviour in his confusion. Who knows?

  Yes, you definitely do need to talk to him about the problem, because there is no way the you can survive his current attitude toward you without becoming a totally different person – and it sounds like that person is not someone you want to be.

  Good luck – I hope he has the courage to face this one with you, and to stop running from the real person you are now, and will grow to be, toward the stereotype he mistakenly thinks is more desirable.

• Melissa @ at 3:45 am, January 16th, 2010
  

  Now that I’m married I expect to never do dishes again??? WTF.

  The more misogynistic assholes I meet in my adult life, the more grateful I become for my dad. He doesn’t identify as a feminist or anything (that I know of), but the chores in our house were always split evenly between my parents. He did yard work, errand-running, and cooking, she did all the cleaning and laundry. And they both worked full time, making approximately the same amount of income.

  Only you know your husband well enough to know what strategies will work on him…I’m not jumping on the “dump the loser” bandwagon ’cause I view marriage as a bigger deal than just a matter of “dump him if he won’t do laundry” (a MUCH bigger deal)…but ultimately it’s your life and your marriage, and you know what’s right. Best of luck!

• C @ at 9:37 am, January 16th, 2010
  

  Your husband’s treatment of YOU makes ME gag. Stand up for yourself. Tell him how you feel, refuse to do his chores, and STICK WITH IT.

  Men have attitudes like that partly because others (including their female partners) enable it.

• attie @ at 9:44 am, January 16th, 2010
  

  Fuck, that’s just nasty. You don’t have a husband, you have a leech.

  Even when I was living with my ex, who was of the video-gaming, never-doing-any-housework kind, I never did any of that for him. I did only my own laundry, and if he didn’t move his ass over to the kitchen within 10 minutes of me yelling “I’m hungry! Let’s make dinner!” I only made food for myself. (We had exactly the same work btw so the bringing-bacon-home part was equal. Considering that you’re doing all the money work, he should certainly be doing all the homework.)

  The problem is that you ever started doing the housework. It’s going to be VERY hard to get him to give up that abusive dynamic after you’ve submitted to it for a year.

• Morag @ at 10:07 am, January 16th, 2010
  

  The advice that previous posters have given is very good and will hopefully work. However I feel the need to ass my two cents to the “this is NOT normal” discussion.

  I was raised by a working mother and a stay-at-home dad. Yet, despite the fact that my dad had a physical disability, he did the majority of the cooking and cleaning whilst my mum was at work (my mum still did some of it) so I see no excuse for your husbands behaviour.

• Mary Jane @ at 10:41 am, January 16th, 2010
  

  Sorry, but I have no sympathy for you. You should have realized that he was a loser before you got married. You should have talked about who would handle the chores.

  Personally, I’d dump him and go for someone rich. Then you’ll still have to work around the house? But who cares? It’s not like you’ll have to work outside the home.

• Karen @ at 11:55 am, January 16th, 2010
  

  Really? Divorce him.

• Meg @ at 11:55 am, January 16th, 2010
  

  Wife for 8 years here, we’ve had our ups and downs but are doing pretty damn fantastic now despite a rocky start.

  You love him, but those are not the actions of a loving, respectful husband. Those are the actions of a lazy mooch and, frankly, they make ME and my husband both gag. No marriage should be so one sided.

  He should be doing his part in the relationship, even if it isn’t the part he planned on doing. Even if you’re both working, all the chores don’t automatically fall to you for being the woman. Marriages are about being a *team*. So, especially if he’s not working, he needs to be putting forth some real effort. You should absolutely NOT be waiting on him hand and foot.

  I highly recommend that you stop rewarding this behavior, no matter what tantrums he pulls. And, please, get into marriage counseling. It really can help, but the sooner you start the better. Remember, too, you treat people how to treat you. That’s not to excuse him, but keep that in mind in case you feel like giving in to him.

  Best of luck!

• Randi @ at 12:30 pm, January 16th, 2010
  

  Consider separation or divorce. Or kill him. (I kid, I kid.)

  You deserve so much better.

• asiji @ at 2:50 pm, January 16th, 2010
  

  You are a woman. Whenever he starts talking about how he feels about “women”, realize that he is talking about “you”.

  He’s made it clear that he thinks he is too good to do basic home maintenance tasks, but that you are not. Do the math.

  What perpetuates this role is not demanding more. You say you love him, but his behavior shows that he does not feel the same way. I know that feels harsh, but I don’t know how else to say it. You are the only one that can decide whether you are willing to continue being his maid, cook, and mother.

  -A young wife, married almost 6 years

• snip @ at 3:16 pm, January 16th, 2010
  

  DIVORCE. He doesn’t love you if he treats you like that. I don’t understand how/why you married him KNOWING that he had this problem. Did you think he’d change? I suggest you stop doing the work and tell him if he wants it done he can do it himself or hire someone.

• Irised @ at 3:40 pm, January 16th, 2010
  

  Ouch, I really have nothing to add except to wish you good luck … what a difficult situation. I agree that the person who’s at home unemployed is the one who should be doing the housework. And I can’t but shudder at the thought of someone sitting there when you come home at night from work and being all HAH! MORE WORK FOR YOU! Because all should-be-doings aside, that doesn’t sound like someone who actually cares if you’re tired or unhappy or over-worked. Does this man care enough about you to want you to be happy? That is the question I would be asking.

• melody @ at 5:41 pm, January 16th, 2010
  

  please divorce him.

• Meg @ at 11:09 pm, January 17th, 2010
  

  I just want to add that I’m really disheartened by all the people who’ve said “divorce him”. No wonder the divorce rate is so high if that is attitude is so prevalent! You’d think “till death do us part” was meaningless and not part of most marriage vows (in some form or another).

  Maybe the time for a divorce will come, and that’s your decision to make, but I think it’s awful for someone to jump to that sort of conclusion — especially about a stranger’s marriage. There are a lot of things that should be tried before you even consider divorce. Good people can do bad things but change. My own marriage has definitely not been perfect, but we are both very glad that we stuck it out when others around us were going “divorce! divorce!’

  I hope these people change their minds before they get married. Otherwise, many of them will be cheating themselves out of wonderful relationships by leaving at the first sign of trouble.

• melody @ at 11:47 pm, January 17th, 2010
  

  meg,
  1. why do you assume everyone will get married? not everyone believes in the institution of marriage
  2. Maggie is in an abusive relationship. She is being told what to do, being overworked, and her feelings are being ignored. Emotional abuse is unacceptable. To suggest she get divorced is for the betterment of her mental and physical health. This is not just one meager fight. Being married to a misogynist is not something I would wish on anyone. Would you being criticizing those of us advising her to get a divorce if she were beaten physically abused?

• melody @ at 11:47 pm, January 17th, 2010
  

  *being (not beaten)

• Meg @ at 10:51 am, January 18th, 2010
  

  @Melody

  1. I absolutely don’t believe that everyone will get married or should get married. Sorry if that wasn’t absolutely clear. And certainly, if you don’t believe in the vows, don’t say them.

  2. Does she fear for her physical wellbeing? Is he threatening her? I didn’t get that impression. If not then there’s still time to try other things before considering divorce. I do not believe that she should accept abuse, but divorce is not the only option at this point. People can and do change and if she takes her marriage vows seriously then I think she owes it — at least to herself — to give it an honest shot.

  >She is being told what to do, being overworked, and her feelings are being ignored.

  Cry me a river! This describes MANY marriages, especially new ones! And again, I’m NOT saying that she should put up with it. She absolutely shouldn’t! But if everyone considered that “abuse” worthy of getting divorced, then almost no one would be married. Been there, done that, but worked on my marriage instead of running away from it — and extremely glad I did. Now we have the sort of marriage that people are truly jealous of, but I know that we’ve earned in, unlike those out there who just expect to find Mr. Right and never have problems.

  And again, even if she should get a divorce, that is not for us strangers to say. We’re getting less than a snapshot of her marriage. To conclude “divorce” on this is a rush to judgment.

• Taylor @ at 3:26 pm, January 18th, 2010
  

  Do his laundry – fold up his dirty clothes and put them back in his drawers.

  Do his dishes – put his dirty dishes on his pillow.

  Make his food – burn his food; make his meals inedible.

  Buy his groceries – only vegetables that require cooking or raw meat.

  Always be polite. Sometimes you are too tired to cook from a long day at work? Go straight to bed, be happy to talk about it, etc. Don’t be mean, just be matter of fact.

• melody @ at 5:36 pm, January 18th, 2010
  

  Meg,
  I totally understand your points and I am glad to discuss these things.

  She DID ask our opinion (see the last line of her post). Hence why some people felt it was OK to share the opinion that she get divorced.

• Meg @ at 10:11 pm, January 18th, 2010
  

  @melody

  That doesn’t mean that it’s a good opinion, though — not at this point, at least.

• Meg @ at 10:13 pm, January 18th, 2010
  

  @taylor

  That’s called being passive aggressive, which by it’s nature is mean and not at all polite.

  She should take the high road instead on this one, imho. If she can’t get through to him by just talking about it and refusing to be his servant, then they need to get professional help.

• Toongrrl @ at 1:47 am, January 19th, 2010
  

  I think you should tell him that if he is going to stay home: at least clean up the kitty litter

• Kelsey @ at 2:21 pm, January 19th, 2010
  

  1. Who cares whether it’s “normal” or not – would you settle for this kind of partnership if someone told you it was? Obviously this isn’t okay with you, it’s not what you signed up for (although I wonder if there weren’t signs of this behavior from him before you got married), so you need to negotiate a change. This is beyond his disrespect of women, this is a disregard of YOU and your partnership.
  2. I really hope you talked with him first before you posted this on your blog. If you didn’t, I fear that is a troubling sign for your relationship overall as it would indicate that neither of you respects the other.

• melody @ at 8:11 pm, January 19th, 2010
  

  @ Meg, I appreciate your personal experience impacting your opinion here. I wanted to share mine as well. I grew up in a household littered with verbal abuse. And it dramatically affected me. I have serious guilt issues that affect my day-to-day life to this day. I relate to Maggie’s problem of being told what to do and feeling bad if she does not follow through on her husband’s demands. My life is much better without the verbal abuser in my life (my mother). BUT I am still dealing with the decade or so of abuse. I take verbal abuse very seriously due to my childhood experiences. Thanks for sharing your personal story and I hope you can understand why my not “good” opinion was shared. For my father only found solace with his abuser gone. And I wish the same for Maggie.

• roro @ at 7:42 am, January 22nd, 2010
  

  why did you get married then? it is likely he is just being himself, and he is the same now as he was before you were married. you assumed he would change to your ideal of a husband

• Ab @ at 10:40 pm, January 23rd, 2010
  

  Not to sound harsh but you need to say GOODBYE!

  His views towards women are his views toward YOU.

  And that makes you gag? Need I say more?

  He is not respecting or valuing you.

  He sounds like a child that wants his mommy (you) to do everything for him.

  He is downright wrong because he is mooching off of you and expecting YOU to do everything,

  If he was a real “man” you would not have written this post in the first place.

  I think you need to do some serious re-evaluating of your life and your husband.

  Do you really want to be MARRIED to someone like this? I’m guessing the answer deep down inside which you may not want to admit is NO.

  You need someone better who will respect you and not treat you like a maid. GET RID OF HIM.

• Ab @ at 10:57 pm, January 23rd, 2010
  

  Also, @Meg – I do agree with some of the things you said, however – the impression I got of this:

  “>She is being told what to do, being overworked, and her feelings are being ignored.

  Cry me a river! This describes MANY marriages, especially new ones! And again, I’m NOT saying that she should put up with it. She absolutely shouldn’t! But if everyone considered that “abuse” worthy of getting divorced, then almost no one would be married.”

  is that “it’s normal for men to treat women like that”. Umm what!? And also, I’m not trying to be rude, but you sound a tad naive (which isn’t always a bad thing) but when you said that people can change, well I am sorry but 9.9 times out of ten people do not change. Obviously people have ups and down in relationships, that is what relationships are, but ups and down to this extreme are HUGE problem that definitely should make someone re-evaluated everything and why they are married to that kind of a person.

• Brandon @ at 7:08 am, January 24th, 2010
  

  @Taylor: Ya, cause being passive aggressive works. That has to be the dumbest idea ever.

  @Maggie: There are only two options that I see: You accept it or you divorce him. Don’t pussyfoot around the issue like Taylor said.

  Following Taylor’s advice is plain stupid. All you are going to do is piss him off and because he will most likely push back (i.e be passive aggressive back) it will piss you off. All you would be doing is throwing more fuel on the fire.

  If you can’t deal with it, then step up and tell him how you feel about it. If he changes, great. Otherwise divorce him and move on with your life. There is no point in getting into a pissing contest with him. Life is too short to be miserable.

• olivia @ at 1:41 pm, January 24th, 2010
  

  Oh man. I love (SARCASM) how you get held to female stereotypes, while he doesn’t even bother to hold himself to the male ones. I mean, it’s bad enough he’s expecting you to be the housewife, but somehow he ALSO slides by without being the breadwinner? *sigh* i wish I knew what to tell you.

• olivia @ at 1:42 pm, January 24th, 2010
  

  not that I support those stereotypes. But I mean, even if you play along, you still lose.

  …I may not be expressing this well.

• Emily @ at 6:35 pm, January 24th, 2010
  

  Yikes, that would not work for me. I’d do my own laundry and if he wanted clean clothes, well, he should know where the machines and detergent are by now

• TJ @ at 2:15 am, January 25th, 2010
  

  You sound like a professional victim complaining about the problems YOU CREATED for yourself. As always, Feminism coddles women and completely absolves them of blame. They become entitlement-minded spoiled children thinking they deserve that men have had to EARN. Manhood101 . com

• Isa @ at 5:09 am, January 25th, 2010
  

  Ugh. This is not ‘normal.’ My husband is not like this at all.

  Your husband is selfish, lazy and chauvinistic.

• NewsCat @ at 12:15 pm, January 26th, 2010
  

  Just found this blog.

  It true that those jumping to “divorce” are jumping the gun quite a bit. But it does sound like the marriage needs conseling or at least some geniue communication. What it sounds like is the husband how transfered “mommy” duties to his wife. Which is fine if you want to be a mother to your new husband for the next 50 years. If you are happy with this situation (and we know you aren’t because you wrote this blog piece) then only you have the ability to change it. First you do have to talk to him about this. And it might help to set up time with a marriage conselor (if he won’t go, you should go yourself). There are a lot of issues going around and it would help to have a professional to help you sort it all out.

  But this situation will not change on its own. Why should it? He’s got a pretty sweet deal it sounds like. You do all the cooking, cleaning and bring home the bacon as well. What motivation does he have to change it?

• Empathy: An Antidote to “Othering” @ at 9:41 am, January 28th, 2010
  

  [...] from church and society. For an extreme case that illustrates the problem, check out this letter from a young wife and the accompanying comments that were posted just this month on “The F Bomb” (“F” for [...]

• Cara @ at 12:22 am, January 29th, 2010
  

  OK so I was angry when I read this article but nowhere near as angry as how I now feel after reading these comments. All of you people who come from families where everything was split down the middle live a life very different to many others. My mum did all the household chores (though she did pay me and my sister pocket money to help) while dad did none. He worked 6 days a week in a labour intensive job but mum worked 5 days a week in the office as it was a family business. That’s just how things were and how things were for all of my friends too. I am not saying that’s how it ought to be though – not at all. My boyfriend hs this mentality and I am constantly trying to beat it out of him (figuratively, that is). The OP’s hubby needs to know he’s doing wrong and that she will not take it. Divorce is NOT the first and omly solution because lcearly there’s a loving relationship there and him being lazy ain’t all there is going on in this marriage.
  If he refuses to change then that’s when she needs to make some big decisions. If he trully loves her as she seems to love him, then he’ll do something about his childish attitude, but the key is to discuss it first an let him KNOW just how detrimental he is being to their relationship!

• Vicky @ at 9:19 pm, September 7th, 2010
  

  Oh hell no !
  Don’t let him treat you like that , Stand up for yourself otherwise he’s gonna keep walking all over you. Marrage should be a partnership not domestic slavery. Tell him to get off his ass and do his share!

  And no it’s not normal. My bf and I sometimes talk about living together/ getting married and its always been understood that chores and housework should be balanced between both partners as evenly as possible.

  I can’t really judge because i havent met you or your husband but he seems very immature.

• Janet @ at 5:04 pm, January 18th, 2011
  

  My husband is some thing words cannot explain. I’ve put up with 40+ years of no sex,intimacy,love or no kids. He is emotionaly cruel!
  He is proud of not having sex with me. I’m on a whole a good person, but I’m really just a second class citizen. He claims were friends only, but friends talk to each other we don’t. You are all wondering why I don’t leave, well were on a fixed income, I have no family and my friends won’t take me away from all this to help out.

• L. Ryan @ at 6:02 pm, January 24th, 2011
  

  I am now 64 years old and was married to someone just like that for 11 years (from age 21 to 32). You need to get out of the marriage if you ever expect things to change or if you ever hope to have a marriage that is fulfilling. My ex husband even told me that if I wanted to have children, I would have to do all the work. Hence, we had no children. He was lazy and childish and wanted a mother, not a wife. Over the years, I lost more and more respect for him. Finally, when he left for another woman (that relationship didn’t last long), I think that I was more relieved than sad. The only reason I put up with it for so long was that, back then, you were expected to stay no matter what.

  I have now been married to a wonderful hard working man for 25 years, and we have a 23 year old daughter.

  Face it — he isn’t who you thought he was. It’s not your fault, so move on with your life. That is what I would tell my own daughter. Life is too short and you are too young to tolerate living with someone who does not cherish you.

  Good luck!

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