Feminism | Posted by Kate S on 06/18/2010
Rape for Granted?
drunk = asking for it?
What inevitably followed after graduation was the infamous grad party. Having been raised by strict parents, I felt too naïve as a senior graduate facing college and decided to stop by with my friends; if anything, we thought we would get a good laugh at the drunks.
When things started getting out of hand, we sober ones left to congregate at a friend’s house. We had seen a girl walk out of a room, crying and claiming that she almost had been raped by a drunken guy. It is a typical scenario at a party but we no longer felt comfortable and decided to leave once we made sure that she would be okay.
On our way back, my friends started discussing the safety of such parties, most of them agreeing that when a girl drinks at a party, she is “asking for it.” When I objected, no one really listened (since most of us were tired out of my minds by then). I could not help but wonder if such notion contributed to sexual harassments and rapes at parties. So, if both a girl and a guy are drunk, the former is supposed to be victimized and the latter is supposed to violate? It is the same terrible response when a girl dressed promiscuously is raped at night: she is blamed for her sartorial choices. But these things do not justify rape—what she wears, how she acts, and whether she is drunk or not does not exempt the rapists from the fact that they violated her and her rights. Besides, being under influence affects everybody, regardless of his or her gender, and, as far as scenarios go, a girl can rape a guy too; how would people react to that?
Such notion only aggravates the reified gender roles in our culture: women are supposed to be weaker and men are supposed to be dominant. The fact that such evocation of gender roles exists even at parties (where, theoretically, everyone comes to have a good time) is appalling. But these expectations are fictions: they are man-made creation that has been asserted for a long time. While we still have far to go, women finally have the voice and the audience to better represent and empower women. We can abolish the fiction of hierarchy, segregation, and expectations, and establish a reality of equality.
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A @ at 4:32 pm, June 18th, 2010
A good friend of mine is currently suffering the after effects of a rape at a party a while back, and they’re terrible: but you’re right, everything you say here, about how people treat this subject, is right. My friend often finds herself blaming herself for what happened, and wondering whether it was her fault, even though she was drugged by the rapists before it happened – and no matter how much I (or anyone) tell her it’s not her fault and that she did nothing wrong, it still seems to be stuck that way in her mind.
I would give ANYTHING to be able to take that pain away from her.
And stereotypes like the ones you outline only reassert it for her.
:’(
mary @ at 4:35 pm, June 18th, 2010
seems 2 me like she just wants 2 have fun > nothing else
but men tend 2 think the same way as ur friends do
after all not every1 believes a drunk!
SarahC @ at 11:22 pm, June 18th, 2010
I was actually discussing this the other day. I believe that it is unnacceptable that men are held responsible for their actions while drunk, while women can decry responsibility and cry rape because they were drunk. Given that the woman can safely say no and expect it to be respected, a yes is a yes, no matter how drunk she is.
Of course, no is also always no. Drunk or sober, female, male, genderqueer, whatever, a no is a no. A “fine then” or an “if you must” is a no.
As to being “asking for it”: bull. shit. Society functions by certain rules, and one of them is that you can generally expect personal safety. Just like I don’t have to carry weapons when I go to the corner store to buy milk because the responsibility for a robbery would fall on the shoulders of the robber, the responsibility for rape always falls on the shoulders of the rapist. If one’s sexual partner is not consenting enthusiastically, it is one’s responsibility to stop, especially when this partner is inebriated.
So, basically, what I’m saying is that you can dance on the table naked, but the only way to be asking for it is to say yes when you know you could easily, and really want to, say no. Which just doesn’t happen.
Katherine C. @ at 10:50 am, June 19th, 2010
Yes Means Yes and No Means No, Whatever I Do/Say/Wear*, Wherever I Go!
*I’ve heard it said three ways.
Clinton Overlie @ at 12:59 am, June 27th, 2010
I just found your blog and think it’s fantastic, keep posting!
Audrey B. @ at 7:32 pm, April 13th, 2011
You are absolutely right. No woman deserves to be raped under any circumstances.
ok @ at 9:31 pm, July 14th, 2011
I completely understand but I think the truth of the matter is that one must accept that there will be a higher chance of something like this happening if one looks/acts in certain ways. It’s as simple as that! By no means am I saying that it justifies the crime in any way but people honestly need to use their common sense to avoid compromising situations. It is obvious that we all wish the world was a safe place where we wouldn’t have to worry about this sort of thing but the truth is far from such a fantasy land…