Feminism | Posted by Erica Lee on 08/2/2010

Banish Girl Hate Today

the result of girl hate.

the result of girl hate.

I’ll admit it: I used to be a hater. After I hit 13, for whatever reason, I started to really, really dislike other girls. I was constantly jealous of them, hated when they talked to my array of (oftentimes disgusting/unworthy) boyfriends and basically wanted nothing to do with anyone with breasts who was outside my usual social circle. I just didn’t like them.

Or so I thought.

Actually, now I see I was brainwashed by society into being jealous of them.

Now, 10 years later, I know that most of my “hatred” for the other (beautiful, smart, talented) ladies around me was actually jealousy. Insecurity. A byproduct of a society that was becoming hypersexualized & overly focused on outward appearances.

So yes, I am a victim. And so is every other woman who is alive in America now.
Although I don’t claim to be an expert, here is my advice for ways women today can BANISH GIRL HATE!

1. Work on yourself. I’ll try to be as non-cheesy as possible here: You absolutely positively have to love yourself before you can love other women. If you’re constantly putting yourself down for your “fat thighs” or your “frizzy hair,” you will automatically notice those flaws in other women (or notice that they don’t have those things—making yourself feel bad in comparison!) It’s so important to accept things about yourself so that you can accept them about others. Learn to be open-minded, loving & accepting toward yourself first.

2. Befriend both an underdog AND someone “out of your league.” I used only look for friends who I thought were uglier than me. No joke. I think it’s very important to befriend women from all realms. Befriend someone you feel is very attractive. Befriend someone from a different race or culture. Befriend someone all the guys at school pick on (trust me, she’s probably way cooler than any of the girls the guys hit on). As soon as you do this, you’ll quickly realize how many common insecurities (& secret wishes!) all women share.

3. Say NO to petty competition. Women are constantly in competition about so many things, many of which they have little to no control over; the size of their breasts, the color of their skin, the huge birth make on their arm. So try your hardest to remember that everyone is feeling the same stress to compete. Then, forget about the competition entirely–& actively show that you are not participating. Nix the beauty pageants, boycott companies that promote a certain stereotype, start a “positive body image” group at school or simply do something “outside the norm” just because you like it, not because society says it’s “hot.”

I’m more confident with myself now, but I still get upset when I think about all the years I wasted hating on hot, intelligent women who—instead of being my enemies—could’ve actually been some good friends.

Start banishing girl hate in your life today!

Erica Lee is a proud feminist who writes about everything from style to psychology on her personal blog, ericaleexo.com.

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  • O'Phylia @ at 1:18 pm, August 2nd, 2010

    I absolutely love this post. Internal misogyny is just as detrimental, if not MORE so, to the feminist movement than misogyny coming from males. The patriarchy has set up a divide and conquer method to keep those oppressed down, and we need to stop hate and call it out when we recognize it. Call your friends out for “slut shaming,” and call them out for calling girls “stuck up prudes.” Let people know that the “comparison game” is a game that nobody wins. Spread the word!

  • Roni @ at 3:45 pm, August 2nd, 2010

    This is a really interesting post. There’s definitely too much competition and “girl hate” around. I’ve never really been like that, but I know a ton of girls who are. I agree with you completely, and great post!

  • Zoe @ at 5:11 pm, August 2nd, 2010

    This is a really important thing to address. I do the same thing and I know lots of other girls who do too. Now, I try to catch myself when I’m doing it and analyze why I’m hating on other girls. It’s usually because I think they’re prettier than me and therefore, a threat. Once I realize I’m just being insecure, I try to push it out of my brain and be friendly instead :)

  • VIDEO Monthly Mantra: Slow Down. | ericaleexo.com @ at 9:33 pm, August 2nd, 2010

    [...] I had a guest post up today at thefbomb (one of my fave feminist blogs) about banishing girl hate. Check it out. Share & [...]

  • Fajr | Stylish Thought @ at 11:31 pm, August 2nd, 2010

    We are all guilty of “hating” or jealousy as some point in our lives and I agree that most of those feelings have to do with what we are lacking more than it has to do with another person’s inadequacy. Whenever I find myself hating or saying snarky things about another female, I stop and force myself to say something I really admire about them and that helps me to see what I may be lacking in myself. Great post Erica!

  • Samuel W. @ at 12:29 pm, August 3rd, 2010

    Insane. People start feeling this practically unconsciously when they hit a certain age! That’s what years of being brainwashed’ll do to ya. Thank god I’ve seemingly, and I don’t say this out of arrogance, avoided such pitfalls thus far, along with plenty of other guys like me, but girls seem to be really swallowing this ‘cattiness’ thing the media keeps going on and on about when they hit that age. And most often, they’re just unconsciously swallowing, due to years of conditioning, what the world has told them they should do.

  • K8 AH @ at 4:57 pm, August 6th, 2010

    I love this post!!! It is true getting to know yourself really well and becoming comfortable with yourself will go a long way in turning off that jealousy impulse. Figure out why you admire someone so much that it makes you hate them, then tell that person why you admire them. Building others up instead of tearing them down goes a long way towards good personal self esteem. :)

  • Jake @ at 5:00 pm, October 7th, 2010

    …I somewhat hate guys. I dunno, I’m being kinda extreme. I know it’s just as wrong…

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