Feminism | Posted by Alli B on 08/12/2011

Male Bisexuals: As Common As Unicorns?

male bisexuality = unicorn? I dont think so.

male bisexuality = unicorn? I don't think so.

I know a lot of people – gay and straight – who believe that bisexuality, specifically bisexual men, exist about as much as they believe that unicorns exist. It seems that there are people who believe that only women can be bisexual and that women are more fluid than men when it comes to sexuality. They believe men can’t be bisexual, but are either gay or straight. Hell, a few years ago I didn’t even believe bisexuality was real and now I identify as bi.

I have big problem with this, and I mean a BIG problem. You might ask, “Why? You’re a woman, why should you care about bisexual men?” I care because I think the gender stereotypes and gender roles that trap men are wrong.

Men are expected to show that they are real men by getting as much ass as possible. They are expected to be promiscuous, sleeping around with as many women as possible. If a man even thinks about not adhering to this stereotype/gender role, then he’s considered gay by others around him, which in our society is still not considered a good thing.

I know tons of men who are secretly bi and are only out to their partners. I know some who are bisexual but don’t want to come out because they’re afraid that no woman would ever want them and worry women will only see them as interested in men. They’re also afraid of gay men not believing them and telling them that they’re gay but are afraid to come out.

Women and gay men who do this don’t realize that their harsh judgments are what keep men (and women, too) from fully realizing their bisexual identity. If we had an open society, where everybody no matter what was welcomed and not ostracized for being “half gay” as one person told me, if we stop telling people how to be or who to fall in love with, and just let them be themselves, I’m sure that we could stop bigotry in its tracks.

I sometimes get very disappointed in the LGBT community. I feel that we often judge each other and accuse each other of “not doing it right.” We are all human beings. We are all unique in our own little way. We need to stop throwing stones at each other, and passing horrible judgments. We need to stop excluding people that aren’t “gay enough” or who are really afraid to come out as gay and don’t want to admit it. This includes people who are trans as well, who I know often feel as left out as bisexual people do.

I’ve said it once and I will say it once more: united we stand, divided we fall! So let’s all please stop this horrible gender role stereotyping that bisexual men are really just gay but afraid to admit it. We need to instead view people who are bi as the missing link in sexuality. We prove that being gay is just as normal and natural to everybody as being straight is: that one isn’t better or more important than the other. At least that’s the way I see it.

So if a guy you like comes out as bi, don’t shun him or say, “Gross, no thanks.” Just go for it. You may be surprised!

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  • Emma E @ at 11:19 am, August 12th, 2011

    I read a really good book on this subject: Boyfriends with Girlfriends, by Alex Sanchez. There are almost no books about bisexuality around, so I was really surprised to see one.

    Also, have you ever heard of the Kinsey scale? It’s a 0-6 scale, and some people are completely straight (0) while others are completely gay (6), but most people fall somewhere in the middle. I think there are a lot more bisexuals than society likes to admit to.

  • Miriam @ at 11:37 am, August 12th, 2011

    Amen! I love this post. I know a few bisexual guys and I’m quite sure their sexuality is just as real as anyone else’s.

  • Allie @ at 12:37 pm, August 12th, 2011

    Thanks you guys for liking it, It really means a lot. Yes I’ve heard of the Kinsey scale and I LOVE that book by Alex Sanchez, I also love him too! I’m a 5 on the scale, I think some guys are cute and sexually attractive but I ID as lesbian because I don’t want to date them, I don’t find them emotionally or romantically attractive at all, though I’ve tried it really is not there. I use to think I was bi because of this but I dug down deep and I have no emotional attraction to men at all, unless it’s David Tennant or Johnny Depp then I’m sure I can make an exception! I even get crap from other lesbians for being a five and admitting that I’ve been with a guy, none of it is fair and it must end.

  • Talia bat Pessi @ at 1:18 pm, August 12th, 2011

    A friend of mine mentioned a little while ago that she was watching a TV show where a male character came out as bi. I forget the details, though, but I thought it was cool that a TV show would write in a bi dude.

  • Sophie @ at 2:51 pm, August 12th, 2011

    I’m a girl who’s 4 on the Kinsey Scale, and I definitely believe in bisexual guys. Jack Harkness may have helped with that. (: I think if I’m going to date a guy I’d rather date one who’s bi because I can relate to him more.

  • Azkyroth @ at 5:37 pm, August 12th, 2011

    I know tons of men who are secretly bi and are only out to their partners. I know some who are bisexual but don’t want to come out because they’re afraid that no woman would ever want them and worry women will only see them as interested in men. They’re also afraid of gay men not believing them and telling them that they’re gay but are afraid to come out.

    And then there are men who are latently bisexual but unwilling to openly identify as such even in online profiles in case someone who works for the local blood bank finds it, which is another can of something slimier and squishier than worms…

  • Azkyroth @ at 6:00 pm, August 12th, 2011

    Why doesn’t this site parse blockquote tags properly? :/

  • Katherine C. @ at 11:30 pm, August 12th, 2011

    hahahaha I know a ton of bisexual guys. this never occured to me! So thanks for posting.

  • Lucifers girl @ at 4:56 am, August 14th, 2011

    I recently came out to someone close to me as Bi, after a couple of days he reacted by coming out (for the first time)to me as asexual. I got kinda pissed (because I had a crush on him, and now I was assured it was never going to happen.)But after the first couple of minuets I felt sorry for him, he said even though he wasn’t atracted to anybody, he still yearned for that lovey-dovey couple stuff. He hoped that he would eventually have it one day, I asked him if gender was a barrier for him to find ‘Somebody’. His answer was no, that if somehow he stopped asexual (this is a theory)he was probably going to be Bi. Confusin I know, but I guess this is another angle

  • Catherine @ at 2:22 am, August 16th, 2011

    I didn’t know that this was such a big thing! Of course I run with the RHPS crowd, so I’m one of the only straight ones. Understandably we tend to attract mostly glbt people.

  • Mat @ at 12:09 pm, September 29th, 2011

    So true. Bi male out for 20 years and have dated mostly women. I am not bragging but I haves had more hetero relationships and hetero sex than most straight men. But I also openly dated men. And had one LTR with a man.

    It really was not until this year that the shit hit the fan on this issue for me. Because in the last 6 years my outness has received outright harassment and negativity from my professional gay peers, as well as a few straight women. And after being harassed online via online dating, I decided to actually become an activist. And to write a performance based on my experience which are both ridiculous, poignant and yes a but tragic. I have known many many men in the art world like me but they are not out. By being out I am subjected to a great deal of bullshit.

    I hang mostly with straight men, ironically more acceptance, I do have accepting gay friends. But vaste numbers of gay men ought to be ashamed of themselves for being complete bigots.

  • Harley @ at 11:56 am, August 15th, 2013

    I am a bi man, I have not come out to my family because my mom was shunned for a while for coming out as lesbian while I was growing up. I know my mom would understand if I came out and she tells me alot that when I come out she will be supportive :p. my relatives have a bet on me being gay cause I have not married a woman. So many misconceptions from my family even make it hard for me to come out completely in life. I usually have to date someone for a long time before I come out and it’s a coin toss if they will accept me. I have dated men and straight women and bi women and even lesbians. The two lesbians I have dated was the most accepting yet they didn’t completely accept bi women. Only one guy I dated accepted me, though at first he got super jealous but after I explain to him about bisexuality he was more accepting. One girl I was dating was bi and not out and I could tell she was. We ended up confronting each other about us both being bi. She made me laugh when she said “my bi-dar is going off and I can tell you find men attractive”. After I came out to her, she found it easier to be open and come out and accept who she was. It is super hard though when women just look at you being with men and can’t see you having a good relationship with women and shut you down. Or when you come out and they look and view you differently.

  • Shannon @ at 3:46 am, October 12th, 2013

    Thanks! I’ve been making the point for a while that Bi men are less often seen and appreciated and are more the unicorn. Instead we are lepers. But change, though slow, is still change.

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