Feminism, Pop-Culture | Posted by Marie B on 10/21/2011

FBomb Talks Sex: First, Do You

sometimes, alone time is a good thing

sometimes, alone time is a good thing

When I was fourteen, my dad told me that the most important thing I would ever learn was how to be alone. Granted, he said this as he took away my cell phone, Facebook and cut off all ties I had to the outside world. I was crushed to say the least. At the time, high-school-freshman-me felt like my dad was completely overreacting to the fact that I had made out with a boy, especially since he was my boyfriend. That meant something, right? And my friends had all kissed boys, so I didn’t understand why it wasn’t okay that I had, too.

However, the time spent on my virtual desert island, as sucky as it was, really allowed me time to think. During this period I spent most waking moments alone in my room — it was that or talk to my repressive parents, so the choice was obvious. Stuck in my own head, I was able to think about the boundaries I needed to set for myself. I’d already hit first base, and rounding home was clearly the point of the game. Only here’s the thing: at fourteen, the idea of doing anything more than kissing terrified me.

Even though I was perfectly content with simply kissing, my boyfriend at the time was pushing me to do more. After all, we really did care about each other and both of us had heard stories of other fun “extracurriculars” our older friends partook in. Even though at the time I was uncomfortable with handjobs, blowjobs and *whisper* sex, I was considering trying them. But the thing was, I was only thinking about doing them because I wanted to be liked. On my personal lonely island, I came to the realization that if I gave into any of those things at that moment in time, I wouldn’t like myself.

That’s how I learned that if your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t respect your personal boundaries, forget them. You do you.

In the meantime, I’ve compiled a list of fun things to do solo, until you find the right person and it feels like the right time.

– write haikus professing your undying love to yourself
– beat your personal best running time
– catch up on your zzz’s (no need for beauty sleep, we’re all beautiful to begin with)
– practice kissing on your hand (no need to get out of practice)
– learn to cook your favorite meal

The thing is, after I spent all that time without having to please other people, I no longer felt the need to compromise on things I knew would bother me just to be with a certain boy or even a certain group of people. My advice for everyone out there is to learn to be your own best friend. It’s the one person you have to live with for the rest of your life. So BEFORE you end up in an intimate situation with anyone, think about what you’re comfortable with. That way, when you are with somebody you respect and you feel ready, the whole experience will be that much better.

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  • Bill @ at 11:45 pm, October 21st, 2011

    It sounds like your dad did a great thing for you. :)

  • Matt SS @ at 2:32 am, October 23rd, 2011

    Being a nazi parent does not conflate to doing a great thing. Traumatic experiences do have the proven ability to affect a person deeply in an emotional and intellectual way. That doesn’t mean they should be forced on people. Honestly, if the only thing she was doing at 14 was making out, I dunno why her dad was so angry. There are a lot of nicer ways to give an adolescent the time to think about themselves and their feelings.

  • EMC @ at 6:58 pm, October 29th, 2011

    I have a lot of experience with sex problems.

    I’m an asexual (a person who does not experience sexual attraction)- more importantly an asexual with no desire for sex. But I do have crushes, fall in love, date guys.

    It’s hard to tell someone you don’t want sex YET, but trust me, it’s harder to say that you have no desire for any sex, ever.

  • Vanessa M @ at 11:43 pm, October 29th, 2011

    I’d make everyone I know read this if I could.

  • Catherine @ at 12:46 am, October 31st, 2011

    Matt SS, my dad would have done the same thing to me. My stepmother wouldn’t. Just because he enforced his boundary doesn’t make him a nazi parent. Parents who have reeasonable standards of behavior tend to have better kids and no making out at fourteen is a pretty reasonable standard since I wasn’t allowed unchaperoned dates until sixteen.

    He didn’t ground her because she needed time to think, he grounded her because she broke the rules.

    I’m calling good parenting here.
    How is grounding a traumatic experience? I always considered it the logical consequence for a teenage who broke house rules. Now if he’d grounded for like, two months, that’s overkill,

  • Musu @ at 7:37 am, November 7th, 2011

    @Catherine: It just seems like a stupid rule for me and certainly not something worth punishing for. Actually, he is lucky it turned out like it did, instead she could have gotten rebellious and doing this stuff not only to please other people but also to “get back” on her dad.
    A nice talk (without blaming) would probably have been better.

    PS: English is not my first language.

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