Feminism | Posted by Toni FG on 01/23/2012

I Am A Huge Slut

Recently, I participated, in a willing, great hook-up. The week before I participated in a willing make-out session. I just moved to a new town. I don’t know anyone around here that well, and the unfortunate thing about that is that I don’t know who knows who — for instance how close hook-up A is to hook-up B. This is where my story really starts.

Let’s call the two guys I’ve hooked up with Boy A and Boy B. Boy A had a crush on me. Since I had only known him for about a week, I assumed it was casual. I was wrong. At some point during our short time together, he decided we were in a relationship. Now, we’re talking about a guy that I’ve probably seen four times in my life and who I never told I was interested in being in a relationship. This is where Boy B steps in.

I had met Boy B the week before and found him attractive. The next week I saw him at a party and we began talking about Lord of The Rings, Zombies and Star Wars. Clearly, I was interested. One thing led to another and we hooked up. The next day I texted Boy A and he responded by saying (and I quote): “I heard Boy B jack-hammered your crotch last night…yikes.”

Despite his triggering, offensive, misogynistic language, I responded. I told him that it was unfair of him to assume that there was something solid between us. I told him not to deny my sexuality and not to hold me to double standards. What he said back was this: “Stop bothering me you dumb whore.” I decided to just say nothing, to not give him the satisfaction of knowing just how much his texts had gotten to me. But I was so upset and angry. I felt disgusting, like a pile of trash, and I know that’s what he wanted me to feel like.

I have my theories why I felt this way. It has been a little over a year since I was pinned down and raped in my own bed. The “Jack-hammered your crotch” comment just sounded so violent, so rapey, that every time I think about it I am disgusted. My stomach literally clenches and I feel sick. The term whore made me feel low, like maybe I’m wrong for liking sex as much as men, maybe I am worthless, maybe I should be used for sex, maybe that’s all I’m good for. For the first time, I understood how much it hurts to be called a whore or a slut or a skank – whatever the term may be – or to have you sexuality questioned. Even after attending Slut Walks, being an active feminist, knowing about rape culture and understanding the effects of slut-shaming, I lost myself in the idea that maybe being a slut was a bad thing, that maybe I had been wrong all along. My entire belief structure had come into question because of one jerk.

Then I remembered the day I lost my virginity. The day I had sex for the first time, it was not to a guy who was my boyfriend. Some of you may call that slutty, but I knew that I wanted to have sex. At that moment, there was nothing more that I wanted, and when it happened, I regretted nothing. But I also remember thinking that no one would understand, that if I told, I’d be called a whore and a liar. And there was that word again: whore. The word that people use to control our sexuality, to dismiss us from sexual pleasure, to dismiss our claims of sexual assault, to dismiss our humanity.

We live in a country where tens of thousands of sexual assault cases are reported every year. And who really knows how many go unreported. I think this all goes back to the word “whore,” to the idea that women do not have sex for ourselves but for male attention, because we have low self esteem, because we have daddy issues, because we want to be popular, or because we’re just plain crazy.

It starts in our first health class. We learn that boys masturbate more than girls (or is it just that boys talk about it more because it is considered more socially acceptable for them to pleasure themselves?) In our high school health classes, we are told that the only way to be safe is to remain abstinent, that if we wait until marriage, sex will be so much better. We are taught about blow jobs, but the blessing that is cunnilingus is never mentioned. We learn about male ejaculation, not about female. Every day we are shown how cool Robert Downey Jr. is for remaining a swinger throughout his career, and on the same channel told that Miley Cyrus looks like a slut in her video.

As a gender we have been dismissed. Slut is not our word. It is the word of our oppressors. It is a word they use because the idea of female sexuality does not fit their conservative view points. But I’m going to fight that now. I’m going to say:

Dear Guy A, I love sex. I choose to love sex. I choose to have sex with whomever I want. I am great in bed and I am proud of that. I look amazing naked and yeah that makes me feel really confident and sexy. Sex is my choice. So if liking sex, and liking frequent sex, and liking experimenting with new partners makes me a slut in your mind, then so be it. I am a huge slut. And there is nothing wrong with that.

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  • Ariel @ at 4:36 pm, January 23rd, 2012

    I’m very sorry for what happened to you. That should never happen to anyone. I stand with you in solidarity.

    Otherwise,
    Frick yeah!
    With you all the way here. I personally have had such abuse happen in my life too. But I can honestly say that I love sex. I have an exclusive boyfriend and I love having sex with him. If I wasn’t raised with slut shaming stupidity I honestly would have sex with a lot of other guys if, well if I wasn’t attached to this guy.

    It feels great to have another person who actually admit that they ‘love’ sex. It’s great to be able to admit it to myself and actually say that I do. =)
    Thank you for allowing me that powerful, freeing release from this bog of slut shaming and upset at my own sexuality.

  • firefly @ at 9:51 pm, January 23rd, 2012

    I believe in sex positivity and the points of your article, however, I would like to add one thing that you did not mention in your writing:

    You should ALWAYS clearly mark the boundaries when you are in a relationship with someone. How far you want to go, who else is involved in the relationship, etc. Especially polygamous/non-exclusive relationships, because if you don’t make it clear to the other people in the relationship that you are not in an exclusive relationship, you could hurt other people.

  • Lindsey @ at 1:36 am, January 24th, 2012

    I very much agree, a person should make it clear where the boundaries lie, however his assumptions was far to premature, she mentioned she only seen him 4 times. These two people are adults and that guy has a problem within himself, why is he assuming they should be exclusive only after seeing her 4 times?

    He’s obviously insecure with himself and jealous at the fact she found another man interesting, not to mention another man beat him to the punch and how is it that he even knew?

  • O'Phylia @ at 2:07 pm, January 24th, 2012

    Jackhammered? Is he 10??
    And stop bothering HIM? He texted and berated you first! The ridiculousness of this, I can’t even.

  • Soumya @ at 10:53 pm, January 24th, 2012

    Your post caught the entire essense of the situation many of us face today with regard to the words like slut/whore,etc. Well said: ” It is a word of our oppressors”
    In one word, you are awesome and your post is awesome. You are a very brave woman, really.

  • Gina @ at 10:05 pm, January 25th, 2012

    @Lindsey – Well, since the author did hook up with him, I think it would have been better to make it clear if she only wanted a casual relationship. I think it’s unfair to leave the guy expecting a more meaningful relationship without even telling him it’s not going to happen.

    It’s the same with guys who take off after sleeping with girls and never talking to them again – leaving some of them heartbroken. Don’t we all feel sorry for her? I think it’s a bit hypocritical to suddenly call a guy in the same situation “insecure”.

  • Liz @ at 7:35 am, January 26th, 2012

    This is a great post, and you’re right. You might like Slut by Leora Tannenbaum and/or Hooking Up by Kathleen Bogle, which are both really good books that talk about how sexuality–especially for women–is pretty restrictive. Guy A needs to get with the times and get a brain.

  • Miranda @ at 8:11 pm, March 2nd, 2012

    Great article. The double standards about sex are so extreme and I see more evidence of this every day. Well done for speaking against it.

  • Sam @ at 12:47 am, March 22nd, 2012

    as a 16 year old guy who hasn’t had a girlfriend his whole life, i cannot stand it when repulsive morons like this who talk about other guys jackhammering your crotch like fucking insecure douchebags get to have girlfriends or do stuff with them. predictably, as a guy who often finds himself drifting towards feminist ideas and would never say such embarrassing stuff, i’m a loner when it comes to females. go figure.

  • Sam @ at 1:30 am, March 22nd, 2012

    if you love sex sing it to the hills. “sluts” and “whores” are idiotsville concepts believed by guys for whom dating would be a fate worse than death, and you should never take morons like that seriously.

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