seriously, just stop

I wouldn’t say that I was ever fat. I was always just overweight enough that girls would tell me I looked “fine” and guys wouldn’t tell me much of anything (because I guess my dazzling intellect and sense of humor wasn’t high on their priority list). As a feminist, I always tried to feel proud of my body. I really did want to accept it and love it for what it was. But that was easier said than done.

Last summer I lost about 15 pounds. When I came back to school in the Fall, I was showered with compliments. “How did you do it?” everybody asked. I told some that I hardly even noticed my weight loss and that I had no idea how it happened. I told others I swam a lot and biked everywhere. I didn’t tell anybody the truth: that I obsessed over what I ate, counted every calorie in a journal, and exercised five times a week for three months. I’m not entirely sure why I lied. I think it’s because as girls we’re always supposed to be effortlessly beautiful. We can’t admit to trying to become more beautiful because that shatters the mystery around something that’s supposed to be unobtainable. My weight loss was supposed to be effortless and even though it was far from that, I played my little role and pretended like it was.

I thought losing weight would make me happier. Even though I should’ve know better (and maybe even do know better), I guess a part of me really did buy into all that media crap. I thought Skinny Me would feel carefree and happier somehow. I essentially thought the ability to wear a bikini without shame would transform my life.

I was wrong.

What ended up happening was that my attitude towards food and my body hardly changed at all. Sure, I was happy that I looked that much more like the women you see on TV and in movies (although, let’s be honest, I still didn’t look anything like them). But I still felt constantly worried about what I was eating. I constantly freaked out about gaining the weight back. The way our society is today, it’s not even enough to live up to certain beauty expectations. Even when you come close, you still feel like you’ll never measure up.

And that was only what was going on internally. Externally, I went from guys either not noticing me at all or, in an instance I’ll never forget, being told things like “You’d be really pretty…if you lost weight” to guys straight up harassing me. I thought that if I lost weight, guys would fall in love with me. But what I became the receiving end of definitely couldn’t be described as love. Rather I got catcalls, propositions and sometimes even demands – as if guys had some kind of right over my new body, like now that I’m skinny I must be at their sexual will. Honestly, with this as the alternative, I kind of wish I could go back to not being noticed by them at all.

I guess my point is this: I guess I never realized that our society’s attitude towards feminine beauty sucks on both ends of the spectrum. I only ever saw it from the perspective of not measuring up, and always thought it was unfair that I was held to such standards, that I couldn’t be noticed for my mind but was constantly told I had to be beautiful. But now that I do (by some standard) measure up, I know that that’s not much better. That end is full of the same insecurity, with the unwelcome addition of harassment and unfair expectations about who I must be because of how I look.

So to all the girls out there who want to lose weight, who think losing weight is the answer to everything: it’s not. Maybe the way society is right now it’s unrealistic for me to tell you “be happy with who you are! Being beautiful on the inside is all that matters” and for you to really, truly believe me. But I’m going to say it anyway. Be happy with who you are. Being beautiful on the inside really is all that matters because it seems like no matter what’s happening on the outside, women can’t win.

Many people don’t know what being transgender means. I, not being transgendered, don’t fully understand every aspect of it either but my fiancée is in the middle of transitioning so I want to express what I do know. Here is some information I’ve gathered about people transitioning from one gender to another.

Being transgender means feeling that you are a different gender than your physical biology. It means that a person does not see themselves as the biological gender they were born into. In other words they do not feel that their gender matches their sex (their body parts). Some people (like my sociology professor) refer to a person transitioning as “man to woman” or “woman to man” because (as he describes it) people transitioning are only transitioning their gender, not their sex, and that even if they change their actual sex organs their DNA is still the same. I asked my fiancée and he disagreed with my professor. Genetics are very complex and a lot still remains unknown about them. Scientists are not sure about all the genes that work in brain function — it is unintelligent to state that someone’s physical and mental biology is solely determined by an X or Y chromosome. New ideas are surfacing that a person’s biological sex may not be the sole factor of things like one’s physical strength, emotions and intelligence level.

We as a society have trouble differentiating between sex and gender, and I think that is where a lot of the confusion surrounding being transgendered comes from. A person’s sex is their biological organs but gender is affected by society in many ways. Society can have great influence on what a person’s gender is and is not supposed to be. People’s gender can be influenced without them even knowing it. Take for example masculinity. Men are pressured to be masculine through society and media. Masculinity suggests that boys must be strong, tough, powerful, and not weak, wimpy, emotional, and especially ‘girly’. These ideas do not derive from the XY chromosomes in a male’s body. Without masculinity, society and the media would be very different and that would lead to different views of gender and what it means to be a man.

Present day media rarely represents people who transition from one gender to another. Most people hear about children transitioning from male to female or female to male and do not consider adults who recently feel they have the ability and social support to transition and pass. We especially don’t hear about individuals who are FTM (female transitioning to male) as often as we hear about MTF individuals. The media puts the spotlight on little boys that want to wear dresses and love pink. Why? Once again I bring up masculinity. These children are questioning masculinity and that is seen as a threat to the patriarchy. Threatening patriarchy means a possible loss of control of the sexist status quo. Once control is lost, those in power feel that they will lose control of everything. So how do they keep control?

First consider who controls the media and keep in mind our patriarchal culture. White, heterosexual, affluent men largely control our capitalistic society. They generally want to obtain as much money and power as possible and eliminate all threats to that goal. They do this by creating unrealistic ideals, like for men to be incredibly strong and women to be extremely skinny (sounds like a bad combination); they also enforce the idea that for people of color light skin equals privilege (which in our society it does) which creates a hierarchy. They do this to turn us against each other so they can continue to make money off of people trying to reach that unreachable ideal. Getting back on topic, trans people blur the lines of gender. They threaten patriarchy just like any person of color or any non-heterosexual person does. What is most important in all of this is that everyone deserves equality and the majority of people do not receive it.

It’s important for us, as feminists and as people in general, to understand what being transgender means. We need to support the transgender individuals in our lives, because it’s the right thing to do, but also because it’s been shown that having peer support and counseling groups among LGBTQ people leads to less bullying and lower suicide rates. It’s vital that we all become educated, visible and reliable allies.

Merle Hoffman

Merle Hoffman is the publisher/editor-in-chief of On The Issues Magazine and one of the most outspoken advocates for progressive and feminist issues.

Merle established Choices Women’s Medical Center to provide abortion services shortly after New York State legalized abortion in 1971. Today, Choices has grown to become one of the most comprehensive and nationally well respected providers of a full range of gynecological services for women, including abortion to 24 weeks of pregnancy, birth control and pre-natal care.

In 1983 Merle began On the Issues Magazine as a newsletter of Choices Women’s Medical Center to communicate with other health care providers, pro-choice activists and the reproductive health care community generally. Within a few years it had developed into On the Issues, the Progressive Woman’s Quarterly, gaining accolades as a motivating, challenging and controversial magazine of ideas and action. After ceasing publication in 1999, On the Issues Magazine was reborn as an online publication in Spring 2008 and publishes all-new, themed editions quarterly with new articles added weekly.

Biography from MerleHoffman.com (via Viva la Feminista)

How and when did you develop your passion for fighting for reproductive rights and women’s health in general?

The process was very organic and came to me from the “ground up”. There was no such thing as “women’s health” when I started at 25 years old in 1971. New York had de-criminalized abortion three years before Roe. V. Wade-and the first patient that came to Choices was a married woman from New Jersey. She came to New York because abortion was still illegal in that state. I stayed with her –counseled her, held her hand throughout her abortion–and that profound intimate powerful connection was what catalyzed me thru these last 40 years.

My commitment, passion an radicalism was born of the deepest experience.

It seems that many young women today don’t always have a lot of perspective about our reproductive rights. How do you think things have changed in terms of the reproductive rights battle since you started CHOICES Women’s Medical Center in 1971? Where have we advanced and where do we still lag behind?

We have advanced to the point where many young women view reproductive rights as an entitlement. There is an a-historical view that abortion rights are there-have always been as far as they can remember-and will remain so. Because of this it is necessary for the veterans of the struggles to educate, and insure that young women-all women understand that freedom is not free–that if we don’t defend reproductive rights will lose them. We have to be aware awake and active in countering the relentless assaults from the right.

Considering the controversial nature of abortion and reproductive rights, how have you responded to critics of your work? What major challenges have you faced because of your work and how did you work through them?

There are so many critics. I usually tell them to “take a number–that the line forms to the left!” There have always been and will always be opposition to me my work-and the struggle for reproductive freedom and justice. This is a long term power struggle and one has to not take it all that personally. I understand that I am a lighting rod for much of the misogynistic hatred-but it comes with the territory. And ultimately it is my belief in the justice and rightness of reproductive freedom that keeps me going.

You were on the frontlines of the women’s health movement from its inception. Do you still believe there is still systemic sexism in health training / the health industry? What should teens and young women be aware of in terms of their health care? What do you think are the most important questions teens can ask when visiting their doctors or other healthcare professionals?

At this point in time there is very little if any training in both family planning and abortion care in most of the medical schools in this country. In fact the group Medical Students for Choice is involved in attempting to integrate this training in medical school curriculums. The right wing anti-choice-anti-birth control movement has been quite effective in insuring that if abortion is not illegal–they will make it impossible for a majority of American women.

Years ago I developed the concept of PATIENT POWER–when I realized that the power differential between patients(women and girls) and doctors (mainly men) resulted in many women experiencing unwanted pregnancies-because of doctors mis-information, or lack of it.

Patient power postulated things like the right to question your doctor, the right to be informed of alternative treatments, the right to second opinions, etc. It actually was the precursor of what is now known as the Patient’s Bill of Rights.

Now we have resources which were not available 40 years ago–publications like Our  Bodies Our Selves which we have to take advantage of- We are responsible for our own health and have to insure that we are educated and knowledgeable–we should work to become partners with our physicians not remain passive dependant children.

You recently wrote a memoir – Intimate Wars. Can you speak a little about what motivated you to write it and what you think young feminists specifically might take away from it?

I was coming up on the 40th anniversary of Choices-which was quite a milestone. I needed to look back on the whirlwind of my life, to reflect and create a narrative not only for myself but for my daughter. She had not shared the majority of it–I would not share a majority of hers so I wanted to leave that testament for her. The lessons to be learned are many–how to gain and practice courage, how to keep going when all the world tells you its impossible, how to deal with being alone and being a pariah, what the real cost of political struggle and being a radical is, how nothing and no one can protect you, that you have to become your own support system.

And finally, as I have been and am on the forefront this struggle,  I hope this book is an inspiration to young women. I hope it encourages them to have the courage to follow their hearts because revolution at its core is driven by love.

Pass.

“Let me buy you dinner,” he said with a smile. He looked at me with confidence. He was close to me in age, and handsome. His actions were presumably innocent. On the surface, there was no reason for me to refuse. He thought he was simply asking me on a date, but it implied a deeper meaning.

He didn’t phrase his proposal as a question, but I still had a choice. I could say yes and smile endearingly; I could take the sandwich he wanted to buy me and thank him for his generosity. But I knew that if I wanted to live with myself, the answer would be no. I could not carry on as a hypocrite. I could not relinquish my self-respect for a sandwich.

“Why?” I asked him. He was uneasy now. There was a possibility that I was going to turn down his advance. “Well,” he ventured, “I was hoping we could eat together. And you know…you’re a girl. If I’m in your company, I have to pay for you.”

He seemed so clueless. There was no reason he couldn’t just ask me to sit with him. I didn’t want to be rude, but I needed to make my point. I wanted him to see that I was as capable of caring for myself as he was. “Thank you for the offer, but I’ll pay for myself.” I turned to the cashier, “Can I get that to go please?”

The cashier’s scowl conveyed her annoyance. She didn’t see me as a person standing up for my right to equality and self-determination. She saw a stuck up, unappreciative girl. She silently handed me the sandwich and my change. I took both and made for the exit.

I am expected to adhere to a set of unwritten rules that men are not subject to. From an early age I was taught that the meaning in my life would come from the man I marry. The law says that I am allowed to work, but if I dedicate all of my energy to bettering myself instead of caring for others, I am considered unfeeling and selfish. If a man makes the same decision he is applauded. Double standards are rampant in this society. People cling to twisted traditions. I am going to take a different road. I want to use my talents to change the world. I won’t be lulled into just settling down with someone exceptional – I am going to be exceptional. And I won’t let a few admonishing glances get in my way.

Recently, I participated, in a willing, great hook-up. The week before I participated in a willing make-out session. I just moved to a new town. I don’t know anyone around here that well, and the unfortunate thing about that is that I don’t know who knows who — for instance how close hook-up A is to hook-up B. This is where my story really starts.

Let’s call the two guys I’ve hooked up with Boy A and Boy B. Boy A had a crush on me. Since I had only known him for about a week, I assumed it was casual. I was wrong. At some point during our short time together, he decided we were in a relationship. Now, we’re talking about a guy that I’ve probably seen four times in my life and who I never told I was interested in being in a relationship. This is where Boy B steps in.

I had met Boy B the week before and found him attractive. The next week I saw him at a party and we began talking about Lord of The Rings, Zombies and Star Wars. Clearly, I was interested. One thing led to another and we hooked up. The next day I texted Boy A and he responded by saying (and I quote): “I heard Boy B jack-hammered your crotch last night…yikes.”

Despite his triggering, offensive, misogynistic language, I responded. I told him that it was unfair of him to assume that there was something solid between us. I told him not to deny my sexuality and not to hold me to double standards. What he said back was this: “Stop bothering me you dumb whore.” I decided to just say nothing, to not give him the satisfaction of knowing just how much his texts had gotten to me. But I was so upset and angry. I felt disgusting, like a pile of trash, and I know that’s what he wanted me to feel like.

I have my theories why I felt this way. It has been a little over a year since I was pinned down and raped in my own bed. The “Jack-hammered your crotch” comment just sounded so violent, so rapey, that every time I think about it I am disgusted. My stomach literally clenches and I feel sick. The term whore made me feel low, like maybe I’m wrong for liking sex as much as men, maybe I am worthless, maybe I should be used for sex, maybe that’s all I’m good for. For the first time, I understood how much it hurts to be called a whore or a slut or a skank – whatever the term may be – or to have you sexuality questioned. Even after attending Slut Walks, being an active feminist, knowing about rape culture and understanding the effects of slut-shaming, I lost myself in the idea that maybe being a slut was a bad thing, that maybe I had been wrong all along. My entire belief structure had come into question because of one jerk.

Then I remembered the day I lost my virginity. The day I had sex for the first time, it was not to a guy who was my boyfriend. Some of you may call that slutty, but I knew that I wanted to have sex. At that moment, there was nothing more that I wanted, and when it happened, I regretted nothing. But I also remember thinking that no one would understand, that if I told, I’d be called a whore and a liar. And there was that word again: whore. The word that people use to control our sexuality, to dismiss us from sexual pleasure, to dismiss our claims of sexual assault, to dismiss our humanity.

We live in a country where tens of thousands of sexual assault cases are reported every year. And who really knows how many go unreported. I think this all goes back to the word “whore,” to the idea that women do not have sex for ourselves but for male attention, because we have low self esteem, because we have daddy issues, because we want to be popular, or because we’re just plain crazy.

It starts in our first health class. We learn that boys masturbate more than girls (or is it just that boys talk about it more because it is considered more socially acceptable for them to pleasure themselves?) In our high school health classes, we are told that the only way to be safe is to remain abstinent, that if we wait until marriage, sex will be so much better. We are taught about blow jobs, but the blessing that is cunnilingus is never mentioned. We learn about male ejaculation, not about female. Every day we are shown how cool Robert Downey Jr. is for remaining a swinger throughout his career, and on the same channel told that Miley Cyrus looks like a slut in her video.

As a gender we have been dismissed. Slut is not our word. It is the word of our oppressors. It is a word they use because the idea of female sexuality does not fit their conservative view points. But I’m going to fight that now. I’m going to say:

Dear Guy A, I love sex. I choose to love sex. I choose to have sex with whomever I want. I am great in bed and I am proud of that. I look amazing naked and yeah that makes me feel really confident and sexy. Sex is my choice. So if liking sex, and liking frequent sex, and liking experimenting with new partners makes me a slut in your mind, then so be it. I am a huge slut. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Feminist Frequency FTW

Let’s face it: hatred on the internet is big. Hatred of all varieties including sexism, racism and homophobia (etc.) are found everywhere online, and some sites in particular are known as a breeding ground for offensive and insulting users (yes YouTube, I’m looking at you… )

Recently I was fortunate enough to stumble upon the Feminist Frequency YouTube channel. For those of you who aren’t familiar it, Feminist Frequency is a YouTube-based video series run by Anita Sarkeesian, who creates intelligent, thought-provoking videos on the rampant sexism in the pop culture of contemporary society. I very much enjoy watching all of Anita’s great videos, and was happy to find that on each there was an intellectual exchange of ideas, praise, and even debating – that’s reasonable debating- going on in the comments section. It was great to feel involved in a feminist-friendly community, but I couldn’t help but wonder how Anita achieved this. After some research, I found out that she moderates her video comments, and has to read a ton of sexist comments each time she does so. In an interview she stated that she “gets a lot of harassment…you might be surprised at the amount of times that I get comments that say ‘get back in the kitchen’ or ‘go make me a sandwich’. It’s nearly on a daily basis.”

As I began to research more feminist-related videos and vloggers on YouTube, the sheer amount of users who post sexist, stereotypical comments astounded me; there are the faceless commenters who cower behind their computer screen and type slurs of abuse because they can, (and I understand it is cowardice that drives them to do this), but more importantly, I saw a lot of videos, some even by women, who claim that feminism is unnecessary, man-hating and even literally evil. Seeing women who have become so misled and misinformed about what feminism is to the extent that they are actively talking trash about a movement which aims to give them rights and equality was seriously upsetting for me. Personally, after seeing the anti-feminist videos and comments myself, I felt as though I should just avoid searching for feminist vloggers at all. But after further reflection, I feel it’s best if we all adopt a similar technique in dealing with hateful/sexist users on YouTube. Here I present my guidelines on how to deal with internet haters:

1) YouTube nowadays is synonymous with hate. It goes without saying that if people can find a way to talk down to people/celebrities and their fans/subcultures/races/LGBT community/etc. without direct consequences, then they will. Be warned ye who enter here!
2) Ignorance can be bliss. Sometimes. Try not to click on videos that you know are going to upset you. We’re all guilty of it, but if you can tell it’s a ticket to haterville, the best thing to do is avoid it. You probably won’t win a war against an anti-feminist vlogger and their YouTube subscribers. No matter how intelligent your argument, they always have ‘get back in the kitchen’ to counter comment you, attempting to dismiss your relevant points. Generally, such ignorance/stupidity is not worth a counter comment.
3) Learn to distinguish the internet from reality. No really, don’t roll your eyes! It’s not likely that these people would act so obnoxiously sexist in real life- they’re hiding behind the internet. Many users who post stupid slurs such as ‘make me a sandwich’ are anonymous lurkers, who on closer inspection have a blank profile with no personal information. In remaining anonymous, these individuals intend to spout whatever rubbish they so desire. There’s little ammunition for a counter-comment as no one knows who they are. Some call these people trolls, but coward, lowlife, scum, parasite…they’re all good.
4) Surround yourself with likeminded individuals! Using feminist-friendly sites and participating in discussions with fellow feminists is a great way to ensure you feel part of a community who hold similar beliefs and values as you do yourself. Not only is this a way to meet new people, it’s reassuring to use these sites. Also, chatting with friends whenever internet hate has got you losing faith in the human race is always helpful.

I hope these tips help all who wish to connect with other feminists and think internet hate is a burden. I also hope in the future we begin to see a rise in the number of wonderful YouTubers such as Anita, who work to create a hate-free space that’s comfortable for feminists to use without the risk of pointless haters looking for trouble.

are my academic dreams possible?

I’ve always wanted to be a historian, and not just your run of the mill historian but one that changes the study and review of the discipline. But I’ve faced a problem, it’s such a subtle problem that I almost missed it, but in hindsight I realise it’s something I need to tackle head on.

To begin with, you must meet my male friend, J, now J and I are best friends due to our love of history. In fact we both want to study it in university, the difference being that J wishes to be a teacher and I wish to be an academic. During my final year of High School, J and I and others were asked continually what we wished to study.

Friend: So, what do you want to study after school?

Me: History

Friend: Oh, so you’re going to be a history teacher?

Me: No, an academic.

Friend: Oh

That was standard conversation with me. It contrasts significantly with conversations with J.

Friend: So J, what are you going to study?

J: History

Friend: Ah, you’ll be great at that. I can see you as a future historian, good career choice for you.

J: No I want to be a teacher

Friend: Cool, yeah you’d be awesome.

Is it sad that I, a female, was naturally assumed to be studying history in order to become a history teacher? Or my friend J, due to being male assumed to becoming a historian? Not only do I face stereotypes but so does my friend J. However, in this day and age males coming into the teaching profession is more common place than women entering academic fields. What I think is even sadder is the reactions we got, the stereotypes and assumptions have been so ingrained that the idea of me being an academic seemed odd.

Not only that, but I have been warned by female academics about jobs. They warn me about having children, telling me that after they had kids getting work was more difficult then I could ever imagine. I want to have a career and children, I don’t want either to be sacrificed. I think that motherhood and employment are two very important factors in a functioning society and I just want to contribute to both, as an equal.

But this is only the start. And it is complete and utter bullshit. What other challenges with I have to face? Mentorship issues? Discrimination?

What decisions should I make? Should I give up my career once I have children? Will society allow me to continue what I love, but look down on me? Can I juggle motherhood and a career, without people judging me?

Will I be judged on my ability, not my gender?

I’m 18 and already I wonder.

But you know what? I shall overcome. Be the best that I can be.

I’ve always hated chain letters. They’re never nice, like, ‘Just for receiving this, you get a free puppy’. No, it’s always, ‘If you don’t forward this to ten people you’re going to die alone and get eaten by worms.’ Most of them are, obviously enough, completely bogus, appealing to the superstitious side of us that, despite all that science has proven, never really dies. They’re annoying, but little more. You delete them after a brief glance and get on with your day.

However, I recently got an email forward that wasn’t quite so innocent. You’ve probably received one at some point yourself. The subject was something attention grabbing, but legitimate enough: Important Safety Warning, Please Read (or something to that effect.) When you open the email, there’s information about the latest method rapists/serial killers use to lure women to their deaths. They always include practical tips for women, with numbers to call or things to avoid doing to keep safe.

“How is that dangerous?” you might wonder. “It seems like these emails aim to protect women, not harm them.” But really, is that what they’re doing?

A quick Google search will reveal that the vast majority of these so called crime waves are completely unverifiable – at least the way they’re described in these emails. Gang rapists are not leaving fake babies on the side of the road to lure women out of their cars. They are not throwing eggs at windshields that block ‘92.5%’ of the drivers vision so they are forced to pull over and get raped and killed. And, in all honesty, if these things were happening, don’t you think the police would find a more legitimate way to warn the public than unverifiable chain letters?

So now that we’re clear that most of these stories are complete and utter lies, we can move onto the more important question: Why are they still dangerous? After all, isn’t it better to be safe than sorry?

While I think it is imperative that women be smart and alert, the information in these email forwards isn’t even teaching women to do that. In most cases, the tips they give are obvious, and at times (more dangerously) even false. In fact, the only purpose these emails have is to scare women into believing they shouldn’t go anywhere alone, or at night, or drive a car by themselves. And what does that do? It propagates the completely false idea that women are weak, vulnerable creatures in constant need of protection.

Seriously, if these emails were truly aimed at protecting the general population, why aren’t any of them about men? Why are they all about women preventing rape? Because while hundreds of email forwards focus on how women can protect themselves from being raped, none ever focus on the actual problem: the fact that men rape to begin with. It’s because these emails aren’t truly aimed at protecting anyone, really. They’re about fear-mongering and undermining women. There’s an excellent email forward with Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work – ones aimed at potential rapists.

I mean, think about it. Do you think rapists don’t have email accounts? What about friends and family members that forward these emails? Of course they do. Yet, as a society, while it is completely alright to address every female as a potential victim, and harass her with completely false emails filled with lies about how she is going to be attacked, raped and murdered just for leaving her house, it is unthinkable that you would ever address any male as a potential rapist. Because rapists aren’t ever brothers, friends, or boyfriends, society figures. They are monsters existing entirely apart from society that were born to assault women.

So what can you do? Next time you receive a fear-mongering rape email, do a brief internet search. Once you’ve verified that it’s false, tell whoever sent it to you, as politely as possible. The idea isn’t to point fingers, but to spread awareness of what the actual problems are in our society. And if you’re feeling especially gutsy, send the link above to all of your contacts, with the real ways to prevent rape.