About a week ago, I was talking with one of my co-workers and she told me that students at her teenage daughter’s high school made a Facebook page dedicated to the school “sluts.” She proceeded to tell me that the page described the acts that the so-called “sluts” committed and even had pictures of the girls in question. I told my co-worker that that was called “slut shaming.” She did not know what I was talking about — that term was not in her vocabulary. Slut shaming is not something many people know about because of the stereotype that this is normal teenage behavior. But policing a young woman’s sexuality with hurtful comments, physical abuse, and/or sexual abuse, is not normal nor is it okay.

Slut shaming is a fairly new term, but the concept is ages old. Slut shaming is defined as making women feel guilty for engaging in sexual behavior that violates traditional gender expectations. Teen girls are often subjected to this treatment by other teens, but this is not limited to high school: even grown, successful women are subjected to the horrors of slut shaming. Women are shamed for having sex, and are treated especially badly if they are having sex before marriage and/or are unapologetically sleeping with multiple partners.

I believe that Leora Tanenbaum described the act of slut shaming most accurately in her book, Slut! Growing Up Female with a Bad Reputation:

“Being known as the school slut is a terrifying experience. In school, where social hierarchy counts for everything, the school “slut” is a pariah, a butt of jokes, a loser. Girls and boys both gang up on her. She endures cruel and sneering comments-slut is often interchangeable with whore and bitch-as she walks down the hallway. She is publicly humiliated in the classroom and cafeteria. Her body is considered public property: She is fair game for physical harassment. There is little the targeted girl can do to stop the behavior.“

I experienced slut-shaming, and, more specifically, society’s focus on purity and virginity, recently when the topic of birth control came up at our weekly breakfast meeting at work. One of my higher ups asked why I take the pill, assuming that I was a virgin (which I’m not). Now, first of all this was obviously none of his business, but instead of telling him that, my knee-jerk reaction was to defend myself with the standard safe excuse: “ I take it to help regulate my period.” I had internalized the double standard that my purity defines who I am, not the work I do or my moral background.

I think my immediate need to defend my purity is a result of the abstinence only sex education I endured, in which two men told me I couldn’t re-wrap my “gift” if it had already been opened before marriage. I did not know what that meant for my future sexually-active self, but I do now. After losing my virginity, I kept thinking about the strangers who told me I could not have sex because virginity was so precious — it was a shaking experience. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was worthless without my virginity. Did I lose the only thing that kept me special? Thankfully, I don’t think like this anymore, but the guilt is still hard to shake and, as a teenager, this definitely shaped the way I thought about sex.

I also have a unique perspective because I was heavily involved with a Christian youth group called Young Life. I was on my way to becoming a leader of the North Houston Urban Young Life group, but then I took my first Women’s Studies class. As a Young Life leader, I was taught that while sex was great, God wanted us to be virginal until marriage and that everybody should save themselves for that special someone. Young Life did not specifically say that if you had sex you were a bad person, but they did make it clear that having sex would set back your relationship with God. I felt that I could not lead other teenage girls and impart the false message that their worth lies in their virginity, so I quit.

So how do we end all this? How do we stop slut shaming and this ridiculous idea that women are only as valuable as their “purity”? I cannot say I have a concrete plan, but there are steps that can be taken to ensure a brighter future for generations to come.

The first step is to teach real sex education, by which I mean not just accurate information regarding condoms, pregnancy, birth control, and STD prevention, but teaching kids that sex is a normal and healthy part of life.

The second step is for everybody to recognize that female sexuality exists and women do receive pleasure from sex. The thought that women and teenage girls don’t enjoy sex is ridiculous and we need to fix a society that values virginity at the expense of women’s sexual pleasure.

I think we also need to create a different definition of masculinity. I think masculine traits are defined by violence and brute strength. We need to redefine what it means to be masculine to include being caring and nurturing as well as courageous, strong and adventurous by raising sons who fully respect women, who are taught to not rape and who do not use sexist language or rhetoric.

I know these suggestions might seem utopian, but I believe it’s possible. Women are trying to end slut shaming through slut walks and speaking out against abstinence only sex education. If we keep this up, it’s only a matter of time before we reach true equality.

During World War II, Hashimoto’s opinion on forced prostitution was probably shared by the majority of military officials and soldiers who were serving, but that obviously doesn’t make it right, and his comment on such an atrocity is insensitive and cruel.  Historians believe that up to 200,000 women primarily from the Korean peninsula and China were forced to have sex with Japanese soldiers.  This is a harrowing statistic that should be treated with the same respect and regret that the other war tragedies of World War II rightfully receive.  This is another war tragedy that should not be forgotten and certainly should not be regarded as insignificant or necessary.

Hashimoto still encourages prostitution for currently employed soldiers. He recently urged the U.S. commander stationed in Japan to utilize the local sex industry. Although sexuality is an important aspect of the human psyche and human health, prostitution, or forced sex, is a very complex and different issue. Sexual slavery is still a global issue, but what about legal prostitution?  If prostitution is a choice, does it devalue women or liberate them?  Is prostitution a good option for those willing to take part in it or is it an institution of oppression that should never be acceptable?  Voluntary prostitution is also very difficult to determine: did the woman become a prostitute because she would have starved without an income?  Is the woman a drug addict who gets her supply from local pimps?  These questions are all very controversial, difficult to answer and complicate the issue. However, I think it is insulting and outrageous for a modern day political figure to condone forced prostitution.

Rachel Simmons

I would jump at any opportunity to participate in another workshop with Rachel Simmons, who is someone I’ve admired since her first book, Odd Girl Out, came out back in 2002. I got the opportunity to be a part of one of Rachel’s workshops during my time at the Omega Institute. I participated in the Say What You Mean, Be Who You Are workshop, which Rachel managed to cram with a ton of valuable lessons. Taking any workshop at Omega is incredible — it’s a truly magnificent place where people from all over can reflect and learn in a peaceful and nurturing environment that feeds the mind, body, and soul in more ways than you could imagine — but I especially loved the engaging ways Rachel taught us to advocate for ourselves in our relationships.

I remember writing several letters after the workshop ended because I was so eager to practice the tools Rachel gave us to effectively communicate in challenging relationships. I recall her engaging exercise which taught us to express joy and silliness and to let go of the need to look polished and collected. It was during her workshop that I realized how rarely I express my sheer excitement for life, even when there’s a party of adrenaline racing through me just ready to burst. Thanks to Rachel, I can now do this. The opportunity to role play and connect with other young women going through similar struggles was a gift to all of us. Rachel, like many of Omega’s incredible teachers, reminds us not just how to embrace ourselves, but also how to connect who we are with our values and ambitions.

The impact her workshop had on me reminds me of the Gandhi quote: “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” I left the weekend with a clear vision of myself and my future. My vision includes loving myself and seeing myself as other people see me and focusing on all I did accomplish today instead of all the things I did not. I wish to embrace the uncertainty of this stage of my life. I want to work to promote empowerment, teach teenagers about the importance of setting boundaries, communication, positive body image, support trauma survivors, teach self-expression, and like Rachel, teach others to listen and find their inner voice.

I just want to give a big shout out to Rachel Simmons and Omega Women’s Leadership Center for the incredible opportunity, and encourage others to learn more about this amazing program (especially scholarships that are now available)!

A friend of mine has a young son. She recently asked me, and other men, to write a letter to our sons who exist or have yet to be born that she could show to her own child, someday. This is my letter.

Dear Son,

If you’re reading this, you are now set to embark on a journey into that wonderful, stressful, often-sticky phase we call “young adulthood”.

I want you to know that my love for you, my personal stake in your existence, could never be adequately measured.

As you have grown over the last 18 years, all I have ever sought to do is give you the best possible start on happiness in life and to respect and love others as equals.

You are a man in our society, and with that, many will expect certain things of you. There will be a clash of definitions of gender and conformity, occasional explosions of insecurity and hatred, and those social fireworks will always take place overhead.

There will be times when you look to the stars for inspiration only to find their glittering, inspirational brilliance is clouded by the haze of bigotry and aggression associated with our gender.

The smoke from those hateful, flashy embers are momentary; they will fade into the quiet of the night.

But those stars, those brilliant, enigmatic points of light that guide our way, will remain long after the smoke has cleared, long after me, long after you, and long after the final moments of your legacy and that of your children and their children.

Those stars–touch points of character–are the closest we will come to visualizing eternity in life. They are steady and seemingly boundless with strength and glow.

I have given my greatest effort in this life to constructing the constellations of your night sky. They are not perfect, but they are the closest I have come to defining what it means to be a human being and in our culture, what it means to be a man.

I came to the conclusion, long before you were born, that I would be myself. I love my father for the values he taught me, but I decided that my masculinity was my own to define, not to be shaped by expectations of bravado or aggression or a lingering, insecure craving for power to hold over others.

I decided to do what makes me happy and to love others in that pursuit, and if that didn’t fit the definition of “manhood” in the eyes of some, that would be their problem, not mine.

You should never be ashamed of masculinity, but you should never fall into the cultural trap of using it in oppressive ways, either.

And you should never be ashamed of femininity; a person’s preference of gender or identity or orientation does not define their value.

The man who wears a dress and heels has just as much strength and potential and character as the man who embraces traditional masculinity. The man who cries and sings and dances and loves out loud has just as much worth as the man who is quiet and unemotional.

Women are your equals in every way. Those who identify as women are your equals, too.

Your friends, your role models, your leaders, none of them should be defined by gender in your eyes but by character and integrity.

Always respect their boundaries. Society will tell you to seize what’s “rightfully yours”, but know society is wrong. The women around you, on the bus or in school or at work or at home or in a dark alley, are never yours to take or harass, nor should you ever permit others to take or harass them, either.

Rape and sexual assault are always wrong and is always the fault of the predator, not the victim. Don’t allow society to tell you it’s fine to be a predator or sexist jerk who makes women feel uncomfortable. You’re not an animal; you’re an amazing human being. Respect yourself as one by respecting women.

Because as equals, they deserve just as much happiness and love and respect that I wish you to realize in this lifetime. They deserve to make their own choices in life. Never seek to make those choices for them.

Never prey on those weaker than you, but be sure to respect their strengths and wishes, too. They may not need your protection, but they do need you standing next to them in times of adversity.

Always stand up for the rights of others, even if it means a sacrifice on your part that will go unrecognized.

But never let yourself be preyed upon, either. You have a right to safety and decency and respect and opportunity. A person, no matter who they are, who seeks to hurt you should be met with backbone and resolve.

You’re going to make mistakes. In fact, you’re going to make a lot of them. And that’s good because making mistakes is the only way you’re going to learn how to be successful and happy.

Own those mistakes. Prize them as life’s trophies. Be mature and classy in defeat. Be quick to apologize and make amends when you’ve done wrong. Not only will you grow, but people will love you for it.

Most of all, know this: no person ever ended up losing who made sure others were winning. You can never go wrong with putting service to others before self.

I love you, and I’m proud of the person you’ve become.

Dad

Originally posted on Charles Clymer’s blog.

In recent years, Disney has been toying around with their “Princess” brand, making their popular films and characters even more marketable to children–namely, to young girls. This isn’t really new: Disney has changed the designs of their princesses to fit with market trends numerous times since the first princess, Snow White, debuted in 1937. Controversy arose, however, when Disney began retooling their princess brand for new products last summer, tweaking their make-up and outfits, and changing other, more integral aspects of their characters.

The redesigns are noticeably more glamorous and more bedazzled. Princess Aurora (from Sleeping Beauty, 1959) and Belle (Beauty and the Beast, 1991) no longer have the visually-flat hair of their movie counterparts, and are instead featured with the shimmering, flowing locks frequently seen in magazine ads. Each princess is now donning enough jewelry to keep a reporter on the red carpet busy for a good while. The added make-up and glitz being marketed to young girls is problematic. These images aren’t “just” cartoons, they’re prominent and effective marketing products (so prominent, in fact, that on the day this post is published, Toys R Us lists 987 different Princess products). Disney is the largest media conglomerate in the world, and the Princess brand is one of its most successful marketing tools. It’s impossible to ignore the significance that these characters have with children, and how Disney uses this influence to make money. But inspiring young children to be conscious of make-up and beauty isn’t Disney’s biggest crime this time around. What’s most troubling about this redesign is how it deals with race.

In 2009, two doctors, Sharon Hayes and Stacey Tantleff-Dunn, did a study on animated characters and young girls’ self-image. After watching clips of cartoon characters who were princesses, the participants were  asked what made a “real princess.” The results might be different from what you would expect: these girls, around the ages of six and seven, generally did not report having a desire to be thinner after studying and watching the narrow-waisted princesses. Instead, when asked how they could become a princess, many of the girls reported that they would need to change their skin color. They responded with things like “I’d paint myself white” and “I would change from brown skin to white skin.”

Of the canon ten Disney Princesses in the brand, six are white. This summer, Merida from Brave is slated to become the next Disney Princess. In 2014, Anna, the protagonist of Disney’s next animated film, Frozen, will become the twelfth Disney Princess. Both Merida and Anna are white.

This is why these redesigns are so troubling: Pocahontas and Mulan became whiter. Pocahontas’s skin was lightened, her face has become more narrow, her nose has also been dramatically narrowed, and her eyes have become larger. Mulan’s skin changed from the darker tone she was in her film to straight out white; her eyes were given prominent blue undertones; her lips were made thicker. Her dramatic make-up and new, glamorous, dress seem to be directly counter to her personality and character in her film. Jasmine, the first non-white Disney princess, is white washed, too. In fact, save for Tiana, all of princesses of color have been whitewashed. To add on to all of this, in new merchandise, these princesses have been noticeably pushed to the back or left out completely.

Now, Disney has taken some notice to these complaints. In February, the official Disney Princess Facebook re-redesigned Mulan with darker skin and eyes. This is their re-redesign, compared to Mulan in the film:

Even with this change, Disney and their characters and princesses are still overwhelmingly white, and that doesn’t look like it will change in the near future. This Could’ve Been Frozen, a blog that started up in December, showcases fan art for Frozen featuring indigenous peoples  instead of the light-skinned, blue-eyed cast, pointing out to fans–and to the company–that Disney could have diversified their princess line-up.

So many people are fans of Disney. Not just little girls, but people of all genders, all sizes, all orientations, all abilities, and all ethnicities. For their popular princess line, Disney prefers to portray one demographic of princess, simultaneously alienating so much of their fanbase.

Originally posted on SPARK

Perhaps that is what they want—for our daughters to remain unsteady, unstable on their feet in a lack of conviction for who they are and what they want
Because a woman who knows what she wants is powerful and feared above all.
Remember that, my child.

What do I say to her when all around is
advertising that reduces women down to things and faces meant to be photoshopped.
Mattel, take back this sham of a girl,
Whose smiles beg for men’s attention and whose lack of ambition shames us,
This farce does not fool us.
It will never, ever, fool our daughters
Because we will tell them the truth.
Let me answer the question I raise before you:
What do we teach our daughters? What do we tell them?
You are more than that.
Not a Eurocentric ideal of beauty, yellow fever, fetish
You are no plastic ideal in a box.
Born of strength, tenacity, courage and blood,
Of spitfire and entitlement,
Beyond factory 221 and serial number 25789452-00-07
You are of your own means,
Of your own self.

I thought I would stop being defined by my weight after middle school. When it kept happening, I thought, Okay, maybe after high school people will leave me alone. Again, I haven’t been so lucky and something that happened today only emphasizes that. While this incident is hard for me to repeat, I want everyone to know that even as an adult, I am still defined by my weight.

I went to the Pin Up BOOtique today in Ontario Mills, California and I spotted a really cute halter top that I wanted to try on. I asked a girl working there if she could get it for me in an XL and she said, “It runs small, so it’s not going to fit you.” I told her I wanted to try it on anyway. When she brought me the shirt, I went to the girl working the register (a different employee) to ask her what the price was. She said, “The XL is more like a medium. It runs small, so I can take it for you if you want,” and then reached to take it from me to put it back. By now, I was really frustrated, but still wanted to try it on. In the dressing room, a third employee (and the rudest of them all) looked at me, then the halter, and said, “It’s not going to fit you. You’re too big.” I told her that she doesn’t know my body and If I want to try it on that’s my prerogative. But she yelled — in front of a long line of people behind me, no less — “It won’t fit.”

Clearly, those employees weren’t all worried about helping me find the right size. This wasn’t about the shirt. They were all judging and shaming me. When I refused to accept their judgment, one even got angry enough to yell at me. Thoroughly embarrassed, I walked out of there as fast as I could because I could feel the tears flooding my eyes. I met up with my mom and sister, who hadn’t been with me, and went to Torrid to find a top instead, where one of the employees asked me what was wrong. Then I couldn’t keep from crying and told everybody about how the employees of the first store had treated me. My mom and sister went back to the first store to rip them a new one while I sat on a bench in the mall, embarrassed and crying. I couldn’t help but think that that very morning I had just been talking to my mom about being bullied about my weight for as long as I have been on this earth. A friend and I had even left high school early to home school because people were too mean to us.

Now, I still just want to cry. I’m trying to deal with it and the store’s owner found out what happened and reached out to me, but I just don’t know what to even say. While I feel shamed and defeated right now, I want people to know how unprofessional those employees were and how this still happens today. I hope sharing my story makes others out there feel less alone if this has also happened to you. I hope it shows how fat-shaming still happens all the time.

Nadine Shah

Of Norwegian and Pakistani ancestry, British born Nadine Shah is an uncompromising vocalist/composer hailing from a small coastal village in the North East of England called Whitburn. Her dark tales of love, loss and lust are fast earning her favourable comparisons such as ‘the female Nick Cave’. Sonically, she counts her inspirations as artists such as Scott Waker, PJ Harvey and Dirty Projectors, though lyrically her tales are better informed by love, tragedy, the sea and more abstractly the works of Philip Larkin and Frida Kahlo. ?Nadine is currently working on her debut album with producer Ben Hillier.

via MySpace

Dreary Town

Aching Bones

Nadine Shah on iTunes: