take note, FB trolls...

The facebook trolls who think they’re hilarious for their misogynistic groups and events are at it again, folks!

Some FBomb readers and a recent Jezebel article alerted me to a series of “slut punching” events – one a week-long event that I believe was removed, and another, which will merely last a day.

The latter event includes some seriously gross comments, such as:

Dongie Lee:
Some of you need to stfu about violence toward women. boohoo. Ever thought about violence toward men? toward elderly? toward kids? And I bet 99.9% of you fuckers bitching and crying aren’t doing a fucking thing to stop any real violence. Let’s also not forget that this group isn’t about punching women but about punching slutts. Do criminals deserve time in prison? Yes. Do slutts deserve to be punched ? YES. It’s as simple as that.

and also some pretty awesome retorts by Anne Russell:
This is the most disgusting group I’ve come across yet. You people are sickening. Not to mention that if a real woman ever put her tit in your hand you’d have to call one of your friends to ask what you’re meant to do with it. Enjoy living in your mastubatory fantasy patriarchy in the little time you have before it crumbles, you puerile misogynistic pieces of shit.
A word for those who say “wtf don’t get upset it’s just the internet”:
It’s not just the internet. It’s every billboard of an airbrushed model, every rape victim who gets blamed for wearing a short skirt, every appearance gynaecologist, every leering 50-year-old making us afraid to walk around after dark. If women didn’t have all this real-life stuff bombarding us on a day-to-day, these groups probably wouldn’t get the level of rage aimed at them.

and Peterson Toscano:
Not funny, not cool. Instead this is violent and abusive. With the outrageous rates of violence against women, we need to oppose the hatred of women and call it what it is.

But seriously, it’s amazing how so many of the “defensive” comments center around these groups being jokes. If by joke you mean you have no intention of actually “punching a slut” then seriously what’s the point? To display your ignorance and act in a way that you KNOW will insult those of us who possess our full cognitive abilities? Or by joke do you mean that you actually find violence against women funny? Which is just disgusting.

Now, I don’t want to make generalizations about the people who joined this group specifically, but I know that I personally have been invited to groups such as I Hate The Kid At The Party Who Rapes All The Girls which focuses on how desperate the rapist is and not that, you know, RAPE IS A TERRIBLE THING. But in my experience, including this group, the people who make them are usually dumb, bored (often, but not always, incredibly privileged) kids who don’t think AT ALL before taking 5 minutes to set up the event/group and then inviting all their friends to join.

While I appreciate the time people take to refute the creation of these groups, such as some of the great comments above by the likes of Anne and Peterson, in the end the people who initiate these groups are just complete douchebags with a world view skewed by the lovely little bubble they live in. And seriously, some times retaliation isn’t much better, such as the event Punch A Misogynist in the Head Week a response to the “Punch Slut in the Head Week.” Seriously? We can’t pick and choose who “deserves” violence people – NOBODY deserves violence, no matter how disgusting they are.

As for the girls who join violent, slut-shaming events/groups…I honestly can’t speak for their motivations. After reading some of their comments, I can guess that they think guys will think they’re cool for supporting sexist ideas – meaning that they will conform to those ideas, which sexist guys DO in fact love. But honestly I’m embarrassed and sad for them for:

1) expending the energy to impress sexist guys and

2) still living in their little bubbles where even though 1 out of every 6 American women have survived rape they still believe violence against women doesn’t really exist, not really. Because if they did understand what violence against women is and how prevalent it is, they couldn’t possibly be parts of these groups without being devoid of a soul.

The only advice I can give is this – these groups are great examples of how misogyny is alive and well. Use these groups as examples the next time somebody tells you we don’t need feminism any more. Other than that, I guess we can fight with these idiots on the walls of their groups, or we could be a little more productive and report their groups to Facebook. Either way, let’s not be hypocrites about it and stop retaliating with our own violent groups.

Yeardley Love

Many of you may have heard by now about the murder of Yeardley Love, a senior lacrosse player at the University of Virginia. Last Monday, Yeardley was found by one of her roommates in bed, face down and unresponsive. Police found blood on her pillow and reported that her face was bruised as a cause of ‘blunt-force trauma.’

George Huguely, also a senior at the University of Virginia, and Yeardley’s on-again-off-again boyfriend, was charged with killing Yeardley, and admitted to acting violently with her the night she died, stating that he “entered Ms. Love’s unlocked apartment early Monday, kicked his foot through her bedroom door and forced his way in. He then ’shook Love, and her head repeatedly hit the wall’” (NY Times)

Of course, this is a tragedy. Yeardley Love was clearly a highly respected friend, student and athlete and no doubt a wonderful personal all around. She was also a victim of domestic violence.

I’m not going to claim to know more about this case and these people than I do. I’m not going to act like I’m sure Huguely murdered Love. I’m not going to go off about how Yeardley’s friends and family must have seen the warning signs in Huguley’s and Love’s relationship and how they were irresponsible and partially culpable for this murder – the nature of Huguley’s and Love’s relationship is at best foggy in these reports and I have no idea if her friends and family had a better read on it. But it’s Huguely’s own admission that he was abusive, at least physically abusive that prompts me to label this case as related to domestic violence.

I can say, though, that if friends and family did know about this violence they should have spoken out. So often we look at domestic violence as something far less serious than it is. Even if Yeardley’s murder was somehow not the result of domestic violence, there are thousands of women who have been murdered as the result of domestic violence- over 31,000 between 1976-1996 according to a 1998 survey by the U.S. Department of Justice.

I work with a teen dating violence awareness group here in the Cleveland area, and I’ve talked to countless teens who have either been in an abusive relationship or who have had a friend in an abusive relationship. I understand why the victims themselves have a hard time getting help (although it is vital that they do so), however I’ve never quite understood the reasons why their friends don’t get help, especially once they’re sure of the unhealthy nature of the relationship. When I ask them why they fail to act on behalf of their friends, the most common answer is, “Well I didn’t want her to get mad at me and lose her friendship.”

To which I would say maybe the loss of your friendship (which would likely be temporary, until she’s received help) is worth saving her life. And even if the case isn’t as drastic as impending homicide, even if it’s verbal abuse (which of COURSE is still serious and incredibly harmful), helping your friend at the expense of your friendship is the true indicator that you care, and the right thing to do.

So, teens out there, take note and learn from Yeardley’s death. After all, 1 out of every 5 female high school students reports (yeah, those are just the ones who actually report it) being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner. Seriously, don’t let this happen to you OR your friends.

The Shriver Report

When my peers find out that I am a feminist blogger, I am generally faced with a few questions. “So you’re a lesbian?” is a pretty common one. “What’s a feminist?” is another. I have honed answering these questions into an art form, where I am able to answer both educationally and with a snippet of snark. It’s statements like, “We don’t need feminism anymore,” that truly give me pause.

Of course we still need feminism — but the reasons aren’t so simple anymore. We still don’t have equal pay, it’s true, but there are women who have truly impressive and powerful careers. Women don’t sit at home while men bring home the bacon anymore; in fact they’re 50% of the workforce. Statistically, it would appear that we’ve made such great strides as to be on the cusp of equality. But still, the need for feminism is beyond facts, beyond statistics – it’s embedded in our culture.

The Shriver Report truly hits the nail on the head in this respect. Yes, women have become 50% of the workforce, it acknowledges, and now more than ever, women are sharing economic and domestic responsibilities with their husbands, if not becoming the primary breadwinner. In fact, the report points out that 4 out of 5 American families with children at home do not fit the traditional male-as-the-breadwinner, stay-at-home-mom model. Despite this, our culture has not transcended sexism as evident in statistics of unequal pay, domestic violence and, more pervasively, in the way the media still portrays women; however the mindset of equality is undeniably in place in the way our culture is shifting on the level of individual families.

The problem is our government and many businesses are slow on the uptake with the mental groundwork that has been laid in our country. Both parents may be working, but problems like the lack of flexibility in work hours, the inadequacy of health insurance for women and their families, and a variety of other issues indicate that the structure of our country simply hasn’t caught up.

My generation of girls will enter the work force in greater numbers than any generation before us. Certain powerful female characters on TV shows (yes, typical to our extremist culture it seems that it’s all or nothing in TV characters…), our schools, even our mothers have built us up to believe that we can take over the world, and it’s true – I believe we individually have the ability to do so. However, it’s clear that there is a disconnect between this capability and the reality of the workforce we will be entering. We want to be the CEO of a major corporation by the time we’re 40, we want to be involved parents, and we expect our partners to be reaching for the same goals while also supporting us in our own endeavors. But is our country ready for us to do so?

The Shriver Report asks this very question, and challenges our society to recognize our structural shortcomings. My generation will enter the workforce in less than a decade. Previous generations have left an overwhelming mess for us to address in our professional lives. We are up to the challenge, but we need help. ??So, for my sake, for the children and grandchildren of America’s sake, I hope the adults of this nation will take this report seriously, and dedicate themselves to change.

Image via Global Health Magazine

Just in case you haven’t seen this chart yet (via Jezebel and Feministing) it depicts the percentage of women who believe that their partner would be justified in hitting or beating them.

I know that the argument of “men are abused, too” always comes up when I bring up domestic violence. And it’s true, men are abused as well, and it’s a very serious problem.

But here’s the difference: what would this chart look like if men were asked the same question? How many men would think having their wife beat them would be okay?

Of course I can’t know the answer to that, and I could be proven wrong. Maybe men also think that it’s okay for women to abuse them, that they deserve it. But somehow I think men are less likely to feel that worthless.

The way I see it – men and women can both abuse their partners, and there are too many occurrences of both, to say the least. But the way society reacts to the abuse of each gender, and the way we feel about that abuse, is a completely different story.

The Good

Nikol Hasler

Nikol Hasler from the Midwest Teen Sex Show apparently now writes an advice column for Milwaukee Magazine. I know what you’re thinking: Milwaukee Magazine has an advice column focused on issues of teen sex? MILWAUKEE is the progressive one who recognizes the sexual problems of teenagers, and all people for that matter, as truly important? WTF? Well, not quite. It’s pretty general advice for the most part, but it’s Nikol Hasler, so it’s awesome. Good job, Milwaukee, good job.

Here is one column focused on sex and here is the most recent one about forgetfulness. Archives here.

Also SARAH HASKINS HAS A NEW TARGET WOMEN. yayyayayayayyayay!!!! And apparently it was recently Sarah’s 30th birthday, so happy birthday Sarah!

The Bad

LADY GAGA WHY DO YOU VEX ME SO?

You make a feminist statement (“You see, if I was a guy, and I was sitting her with a cigarette in my hand, grabbing my crotch and talking about how I make music ’cause I love fast cars and fucking girls, you’d call me a rock star. But when I do it in my music and in my videos, because I’m a female, because I make pop music, you’re judgmental, and you say that it is distracting. I’m just a rock star.”) and then follow it up with: “I’m not a feminist – I, I hail men, I love men.”

Yes, feminists are man-haters, OBVIOUSLY. And anyone else feel like she’s trying so hard to be eccentric? That finger-licking thing…?  Via feministing. 

Dov Charney

Dov Charney, founder and CEO of American Apparel and my favorite person in the world EVER, is apparently going through AA employees and firing the ugly ones. Besides this being disgusting for obvious reasons, you’d think that considering Abercrombie and Fitch just recently went through the same ordeal and got slammed with a huge lawsuit for it, Charney would think to himself, “Hey…not this time, Dov, not this time.”

This could be complete bullshit…people do seem to like picking on this guy (for apparently good reasons), but if it is true, it’s just another item on my long list of problems with American Apparel.

The Ugly

An fbomb reader just started a petition entitled “The Daily Mail should fire James Slack.” I think this qualifies for ugly not because of the action (it rocks that she made it) but because of the ugliness of James Slack. 

This guy has written such articles for The Daily Mail as “In the week Harriet Harman takes charge, yet another feminist initiative” a lovely piece on how an initiative to teach kids about domestic violence in school is not a good idea, as it costs too much money, and, my favorite line, “This is despite evidence showing that boys and young men are more than twice as likely to fall victim to violence, and that young women are becoming increasingly aggressive.”

Not to say that men are never abused by women, because they are, but considering Amnesty International has found that one in four women will be a victim of domestic violence in their lifetime, and that one instance of domestic violence is reported to the police every minute, I think that statement is incredibly misleading and not representative of what’s really going on. 

Read more of James Slack’s ugliness, if you dare. 

Thanks to Niamh H for starting this. Please go sign! 

So, to tide you over for the weekend here is a really great documentary for your viewing pleasure. 

My pick: Searching for Angela Shelton. 

“In the uplifting and multiple award-winning documentary, Searching for Angela Shelton, filmmaker Angela Shelton drives around the United States surveying other Angela Sheltons. She discovers that 24 out of the 40 Angela Sheltons she speaks to are survivors of rape, childhood sexual abuse and/or domestic violence. (The number jumped to 28 out of 40 when 4 more Angelas broke their silence after the movie was completed). On her journey the filmmaker meets an Angela Shelton who tracks sexual predators and lives in the same town as the filmmaker’s father, who sexually abused her and her siblings for years. 

Angela Shelton’s survey of women becomes a journey of self discovery during which she decides to finally confront her own past and her abusive father – on Father’s Day. The Angela Sheltons complete the journey by teaching the filmmaker about healing, faith and the power of the human spirit, no matter what your name is. “

It’s a really great film. If you like it, please consider buying a copy here to support Angela and her work. 

Also, Snagfilms, the website the documentary is listed at, is worth checking out. They have a ton of documentaries you can view for free, and have a whole section on documentaries about women’s issues.

Searching for Angela Shelton

Crisis Support Hotline Numbers

The policy outlines that to receive asylum, women must show that they are:

“treated by their abuser as subordinates and little better than property…and that domestic abuse is widely tolerated in their country. They must show that they could not find protection from institutions at home or by moving to another place within their own country.”

One such moving story is that of L.R. (identity protected), a Mexican woman who, according to San Francisco court documents, had an abusive partner who:

“made her live with him, and forced her to have sex with him by putting a gun or a machete to her head, by breaking her nose and threatening to kill the small children of her sister. Once when she became pregnant, she said, she barely escaped alive after he had poured kerosene on the bed where she was sleeping and ignited it. He stole the salary she earned as a teacher and alter sold hre teacher’s license.” 

Local police dismissed her reports as a “private matter.” A local judge from whom she sought help tried to seduce her. An immigration  judge under the Bush administration denied her asylum claim in 2006, as did Bush administration lawyers, claiming that she did not meet the standards of American asylum law.

I think that this policy is an incredibly positive step in that the Obama administration is clearly recognizing the seriousness of domestic violence, and how it is a problem that persists globally. I’m glad that more victims of domestic violence will have access to this kind of asylum.

However, I worry about this policy in the way women have to prove that they tried to seek protection from local institutions or by moving within their country before exploring this option. Often in abusive relationships, especially in ones as severe as these cases, it is almost impossible for the victim to leave the abuser, for physical and mental/emotional reasons.

Obviously I understand why this is part of the policy — if women can find help in their own countries it’s preferable to leaving. I’m just not sure how often abused women are going to be able to meet these standards.

The other downside -women fleeing gential mutilation are not granted asylum under this policy.

Altogether, I think this is a positive policy, a good move on the part of the Obama administration. But it needs to be said that there are still many issues surrounding domestic violence that need to be addressed, and are not addressed in this policy.

Via: New York Times

Yessssss.

Here are the facts:

*around 2.5 million females experience some form of violence each year, and within this population 2 out of 3 have been attacked by a family member of a person with which they are acquainted.
*Every 21 days, a woman is killed by domestic violence
*in the U.S. a woman is beaten every 7.4 seconds
*there are 1,500 shelters for battered women in the U.S. while there are 3,800 animal shelters.
and so much more…

This is undoubtedly a great move by the White House. Who could disagree with that?

Oh right, Rush Limbaugh. His commentary? “Put some ice on it.” Seriously.

“It’s a domestic violence adviser. What the hell kind of advice are you gonna get? About the only kind of advice – I mean we’re talking about democrats here, right? We’re talking about the party of Bill Clinton. So I assume If you’re going to have a domestic policy adviser, the advice you’re gonna get – put some ice on it. Your lip’s a little bleeding and swollen – put some ice on it, as you leave the swanky motel room.”

Wow. Just purely disgusting. And I get that it’s supposed to be a reference to Clinton’s alleged rape of Juanita Broderick, but Obama is not Clinton – this is a positive thing and to make those comments about domestic violence is just so wrong.

But back to the positive side: at least Domestic Violence is finally being adressed seriously.

Rihanna and Chris Brown

Let’s talk about dating violence!

No, seriously. I don’t think I have to recap the Rihanna / Chris Brown debacle but just in case, here’s what allegedly happened in 15 seconds or less: There was a txt message from some girl to Chris Brown asking for a booty call, Rihanna saw it and got angry, they argued, she got out of the car, he pulled her back in and started to hit her. Violence ensued.

Let’s just get this out there: VIOLENCE IS NOT OKAY. IT IS NOT OKAY FOR A GUY TO HIT A GIRL, EVER.

But apparently this situation, aggravated tenfold by the stupid media, got even worse.

According to this article “Teenage Girls Stand by Their Man.”

One girl said that she “thought she [Rihanna] was lying or that the tabloids were making it up.” After seeing a picture of the beat up Rihanna, she quickly changed their answer to, “She [Rihanna] probably made him [Chris Brown] mad for him to react like that…you know like bring it on? She probably feels bad that it was her fault, so she took him back.”

NO. Please don’t tell me that this is what teenage girls are thinking?

But in a way I sort of can’t blame teenage girls totally when “credible” news sources like the New York Daily News suggest that Rihanna could use anger management classes along with Chris Brown. They even go so far as to add “It didn’t help that Rihanna grabbed the keys out of his rented Lamborghini and threw them down the street. She knew it would really infuriate Chris, and it worked.” 

Yeah. Or she was trying to escape his abuse.

Let’s go over this. If a guy hits you it’s not your fault. If you’re having an argument, you’re having an argument you’re not asking him to hit you. Physical violence is wrong and it’s against the law. 

I really wish the media would have stepped up on this one and used as an opportunity to spread awareness rather than to add to the fire. 

Bottom line: domestic violence is not okay. If Rihanna’s situation sounds similar to your own or someone you know, please go to: http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/GettingHelp_128.html and get help