formspring

My first interaction with Formspring (for those who don’t know: Formspring is a site where people can comment anonymously about eachother) occurred just this past year when a girl a year younger than me from a nearby school became relatively famous amongst local high schoolers because of her formspring. Other “anonymous” commenters (mostly girls from her school) began leaving notes implying (in a tone that could be called just about anything besides subtle) that they thought she was a slut. She announced via formspring that she would not be returning to that school next year.

I watched this incident with pretty fervent, yet detached, disgust. Almost every Formspring profile I’ve viewed was used to express hateful comments, some verging on actual threats. It seems that when one adds teens plus anonymity plus the internet, the result is cruelty. Therefore, it’s hard for me to understand how other teens could willingly put themselves out there. What is there to gain? But on the other hand, there’s clearly a bigger problem than teens not being able to look at what should be an innocent situation of social interaction – the site frames itself as a way to learn more about your friends – and see that they’re going to be verbally abused.

Phoebe Prince: committed suicide after being cyberbullied

What is it about the internet that can bring out the absolute worse in us? It’s an argument that’s been rehashed over and over again in the debate about cyberbullying. Without actually having to face a person, it’s so much easier to be cruel. And with the ease and almost constant use of the internet, cyberbullying can easily blend into cyberstalking and create an environment that drives kids who have been targeted to feel depressed or even suicidal (or actually commit suicide in the cases of Megan Meier and Phoebe Prince). But Formspring is different. It seems that instead of bullies targeting specific kids they don’t like, it’s everybody voicing nasty insults about everybody else. Where cyberbullying is an instance of a bully targeting their prey through a more pervasive environment, Formspring seems to be the great equalizer of nastiness: everybody laying into everybody else.

So, are teens getting meaner, or have we always been bitches and now just have a way of expressing it? I think one of the main aspects of this that is often overlooked is that bullying like this has always existed. It’s just public now. Whereas before bullying took place in the halls at school, where everybody was too obsessed with themselves to really, truly notice it happening, or after school, bullying now takes place on the internet. While in cases of instant messaging or emails this can make its occurrence more private, facebook walls and Formspring can also make it public property, and what’s worse, public entertainment.

As I mentioned above, I experienced this with our now local Formspring supserstar. We’ll call her Sally. Sally’s formspring updates were passed around like wildfire on facebook. I was constantly updated about this girl’s drama and I’d never even met her before. People watched this girl in pain as entertainment and I know of a few who added to it, not because they had any relationship with her, but rather just to keep the drama rolling. And in a way, Sally performed for her public. She could have easily deleted her formspring, but instead, she ANSWERED those questions and chose to make them public. While she complained about how mean people were being, she had the power to end at least the public nature of the bullying. I’m not trying to blame Sally for people bullying her – the sick people who chose to make her life hell are to blame. But Sally kept her formspring when she could have easily deleted it and she continued to respond to those who were bullying her. Maybe she couldn’t see the way out in the midst of the tormenting…or maybe she was performing.

It’s the chicken or the egg argument: which came first, mean teenagers or the platform to exploit it? Who do we blame, the kids who are bullying or the access we have to bullying that makes it so much easier? I’d blame it on a combination of things: the internet, sure, but also this freaky culture of fame-mongering where people will do just about anything to get their 15 minutes. And even if nobody is paying attention, we perform online. We make profiles, we make ourselves public. So, maybe we shouldn’t be framing this as the one-sided issue of the internet and outlets like formspring making it easier for our generation to be cruel bullies. Maybe we should recognize that the internet is making it much easier to be a target, as well.

I’m sure I’m not the only one out there who’s disturbed by the number of people who casually use the term “facebook rape” or “frape.” For those of you not familiar with facebook (if such a rare species exists any longer) or this term in particular, it means hacking someone else’s account (usually your friend’s) and posting as them as a joke.

And while posing as somebody is a crappy thing to do, this seems to justify being named after one of the worst crimes of humanity. This usage cheapens a word that should not be used so lightly, and the fact that we live in a society where rape not only exists, but can be turned into a joke is disgusting. As such, I have decided to start calling people who use the term “frape” out, and asking them what their reason is for using such a term.

Inevitably, I am sure I will be told that it’s only a joke, and that I am over-reacting. Those of you who have ever used the term (I must confess to having used it myself, before I had a hard look at the true implications of it) might be thinking that it doesn’t relate to actual rape. But the word is being used, and each time its name is taken in vain, it is an insult to the millions of victims of rape worldwide. It is attitudes like this that perpetuates rape, that allow victim-blaming in court and ultimately to the subconscious belief that women’s rights and choices aren’t important.

There is only one way to make people think about the words that they are using, and that is to question. To make those who use this degrading language justify its usage, and when they can’t, to request that they stop. So next time you see “frape” in someone’s status, ask them “Why isn’t saying hacking enough?” whether it was the hacker or the hacked who posted the comment. And maybe people will start to realise the terrible injustice they do to victims when they laugh about the word rape.

Go Dominique and the Girl Scouts of America!

The advent of new media in recent years has been both a blessing and a curse to the youth of the world. Thanks to Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites, we can hop on the computer and have a conversation with somebody half way around the world in thirty seconds or less - or more commonly, we can learn that the girl that sits behind us in History who always wears black and scowls actually has an intense love for narwhals and unicrons, by clicking on her photo album “I Love Narwhals and Unicorns.” We’re able to  instantly connect to others in a way no other generation has previously experienced, but we’re also exposed to the darker side of rapid, often anonymous, communication. Cyberbullying, defined as when someone is “tormented, threatened, harassed, humiliated, embarrassed or otherwise targeted by another…using the Internet, interactive and digital technologies or mobile phones” is becoming a serious problem for teen internet users.

In recognition of this crisis, the Girl Scouts of America are taking action. Girl Scout Dominique Napolitano of West Islip, New York, along with talk show host Dr. Phil McGraw, will testify before Congress about cyberbullying today (Thursday, June 24th). Dominique will focus on the challenges she and her peers face online and the crippling effects of electronic bullying.

“It is very important for teens to promote online safety, because many teenagers fall victim to cyberbullying,” Dominique stated. “Hearing online safety tips from adults can be boring. Teens may feel like adults don’t understand and aren’t on the same level as them. But when the advice comes from another teen they might feel like the other person knows what they are going through. I am inspired to advocate for teen safety because I want to help save teens from feeling hurt or guilty.”

Dr. Phil - an apparent cyberbullying activist (?)

Dominique is not the only Girl Scout devoted to spreading awareness. She was one of a group of Girl Scouts who worked to create an online safety website – LMK designed to inform teens about cyberbullying, online sexual predators, cybersecurity and other internet related problems. A unique aspect of this online guide is that teens themselves largely contribute the information outlined on the site, and aim to raise awareness among their peers.

And, honestly, teens need to hear this information. Our parents were so worried about violent video games desenitizing us to violence, but in reality the sheer anonymity the internet allows us is having the same effect. Sure, shooting people for hours on end (even if it is virtual) is probably not doing great things for us, but at the same time, weilding the power to say whatever you want to whoever you want without ever having to look them in the face is its own issue. Staring at a screen and merely typing words just doesn’t force us to face the consequences of our words the same way the real world does. I learned that lesson – to a much lesser degree – on this blog. Typing your thoughts into a wordpress box seems like a private experience…until you realize thousands of people are reading what your saying and they all have their own lives and perspectives as well. I’m sure typing hateful comments into an IM screen is similar; it just doesn’t seem as real when you can torment someone then log off and go downstairs to eat dinner with your family.  

Not that that is any kind of excuse. In the face of recent cyberbullying tragedies – such as the suicide of 15-year-old Phoebe Prince from Massachusetts, who killed herself last January after being relentlessly harassed in school and through text and Facebook messages – it’s good to hear that other teens and the government are finally beginning not only to take this tragic phenomenon seriously, but are taking action.

*also (partially) posted at the NCRW’s REAL Deal Blog where I will be guest blogging this summer!

take note, FB trolls...

The facebook trolls who think they’re hilarious for their misogynistic groups and events are at it again, folks!

Some FBomb readers and a recent Jezebel article alerted me to a series of “slut punching” events – one a week-long event that I believe was removed, and another, which will merely last a day.

The latter event includes some seriously gross comments, such as:

Dongie Lee:
Some of you need to stfu about violence toward women. boohoo. Ever thought about violence toward men? toward elderly? toward kids? And I bet 99.9% of you fuckers bitching and crying aren’t doing a fucking thing to stop any real violence. Let’s also not forget that this group isn’t about punching women but about punching slutts. Do criminals deserve time in prison? Yes. Do slutts deserve to be punched ? YES. It’s as simple as that.

and also some pretty awesome retorts by Anne Russell:
This is the most disgusting group I’ve come across yet. You people are sickening. Not to mention that if a real woman ever put her tit in your hand you’d have to call one of your friends to ask what you’re meant to do with it. Enjoy living in your mastubatory fantasy patriarchy in the little time you have before it crumbles, you puerile misogynistic pieces of shit.
A word for those who say “wtf don’t get upset it’s just the internet”:
It’s not just the internet. It’s every billboard of an airbrushed model, every rape victim who gets blamed for wearing a short skirt, every appearance gynaecologist, every leering 50-year-old making us afraid to walk around after dark. If women didn’t have all this real-life stuff bombarding us on a day-to-day, these groups probably wouldn’t get the level of rage aimed at them.

and Peterson Toscano:
Not funny, not cool. Instead this is violent and abusive. With the outrageous rates of violence against women, we need to oppose the hatred of women and call it what it is.

But seriously, it’s amazing how so many of the “defensive” comments center around these groups being jokes. If by joke you mean you have no intention of actually “punching a slut” then seriously what’s the point? To display your ignorance and act in a way that you KNOW will insult those of us who possess our full cognitive abilities? Or by joke do you mean that you actually find violence against women funny? Which is just disgusting.

Now, I don’t want to make generalizations about the people who joined this group specifically, but I know that I personally have been invited to groups such as I Hate The Kid At The Party Who Rapes All The Girls which focuses on how desperate the rapist is and not that, you know, RAPE IS A TERRIBLE THING. But in my experience, including this group, the people who make them are usually dumb, bored (often, but not always, incredibly privileged) kids who don’t think AT ALL before taking 5 minutes to set up the event/group and then inviting all their friends to join.

While I appreciate the time people take to refute the creation of these groups, such as some of the great comments above by the likes of Anne and Peterson, in the end the people who initiate these groups are just complete douchebags with a world view skewed by the lovely little bubble they live in. And seriously, some times retaliation isn’t much better, such as the event Punch A Misogynist in the Head Week a response to the “Punch Slut in the Head Week.” Seriously? We can’t pick and choose who “deserves” violence people – NOBODY deserves violence, no matter how disgusting they are.

As for the girls who join violent, slut-shaming events/groups…I honestly can’t speak for their motivations. After reading some of their comments, I can guess that they think guys will think they’re cool for supporting sexist ideas – meaning that they will conform to those ideas, which sexist guys DO in fact love. But honestly I’m embarrassed and sad for them for:

1) expending the energy to impress sexist guys and

2) still living in their little bubbles where even though 1 out of every 6 American women have survived rape they still believe violence against women doesn’t really exist, not really. Because if they did understand what violence against women is and how prevalent it is, they couldn’t possibly be parts of these groups without being devoid of a soul.

The only advice I can give is this – these groups are great examples of how misogyny is alive and well. Use these groups as examples the next time somebody tells you we don’t need feminism any more. Other than that, I guess we can fight with these idiots on the walls of their groups, or we could be a little more productive and report their groups to Facebook. Either way, let’s not be hypocrites about it and stop retaliating with our own violent groups.

I was wondering why, starting on about Thursday, my Facebook friends were posting words like “black,” “hot pink,” and “beige” as their statuses.  Then I got the mass message: “Cancer awareness: Write the color of your bra in your status.  Just the color, nothing else. And send this on to ONLY girls, no men …. It will be neat to see if this will spread the wings of cancer awareness. It will be fun to see how long it takes before the men will wonder why all the girls have a color in their status.”

I started to sneak a peek under my own shirt, but then the radical feminist analysis of the message ran through my head.  Let’s break this message down.

1. Write just the color, nothing else.  Okay, I’m sure that anyone with even a smidge of Internet savvy can type “why is everyone posting colors as their statuses?” into a search engine.

2.  Send this on to ONLY girls, no men.  Girls versus men–hmm, let’s look at this dichotomy.  Of course, bras and such fripperies are hopelessly girlie secrets that men can only ogle. You know, secret ladies’ business, the reason we love being girls, blah blah blah femininity b.s.  One can just hear the chorus of tittering voices talking about things that men will never understand, you know, because they’re so macho and insensitive.  And, of course, we’re assuming that only girls wear bras, and all girls wear bras.  But then, a viral campaign based on lite exhibitionism for the virtual male gaze isn’t really going to take the complexities of gender into account.

3. It will be fun to see how long it takes before the men will wonder why all the girls have a color in their status.  Again with the girls and men.  Do I want my adult male acquaintances to ponder what I’m wearing on my underage chest? The whole campaign reeks of voyeurism and the American obsession with breasts.

breast cancer awareness or trend?

I understand that at least in its inception, the message was meant to raise breast cancer awareness.  As the granddaughter, friend and cousin of breast cancer survivors, I understand the dire need for awareness of breast health.  Yet the bra color campaign smacks of initiatives like “Save the Ta-Tas,” which advocate ending breast cancer on the basis of “boobies are sexy and hilarious” rather than “women’s lives are at stake.”  Sadly, sexy “awareness” campaigns are the most popular and successful–even the sluggish, fusty Washington Post picked up on the bra trend in a Saturday Style piece.  One needs only to check out your friends’ current status messages to see how “aware” they are, and how successful the campaign was.

More than anything, this campaign encourages snickering soft-core femininity, not awareness of the severity of cancer.  We’ve gone from throwing bras in a Freedom Trash Can at the Miss America pageant in 1968 (the place where that pesky bra-burner rumor got started) to virtually informing the world about our own.

How about some real awareness: according to the American Cancer Society, 40,000 women die from breast cancer annually. Carcinogen levels  in our air and water are strongly correlated with causing cancer. All women have a one in eight lifetime risk for breast cancer.

Put that in your status message.

I have a tendency to put in my two cents in for every little issue that passes me by, whether it was asked for or not. My mother has always told me I need to learn to “let things go.” I do my best to just keep my mouth shut and let things slide, but sometimes I just can’t. So imagine my struggle to control my raging anger impulses when my friend sent me the link to a group on the social networking site “Facebook” entitled, “102 Things Girls need to know about Guys!” in response to another “Facebook” group entitled “102 Things Guys should know about Girls!”

the photo emblem of the group "102 Things Guys Should Know About Girls"

Let me just say, I find both groups ridiculous. The group made by girls, to start. Of course all women have the occasional prince charming fantasy, and rightfully so! It is perfectly reasonable to expect some chivalrous, polite men every once and a while. However, there is a fine line between expected chivalrous acts and high maintenance, primitive demands, and this group crosses it. These high maintenance demands make it seem as if men should serve women at any costs. That is not what feminism is about! I don’t know about all of you, but that goes against everything I have believed in and fight for, which is equality. A good relationship is a PARTNERSHIP, not a one-way employment. At the risk of sounding cliché, its about loving one another unconditionally and equally, making sacrifices for each other and working through problems that you both may have.

Photo emblem for the group "102 Things Girls Really Need To Know About Guys" It says: That's right sweetheart; dreams and goals are Satan's way of distracting you from making dinner

Now, the men’s group. At least the women’s group had romantic, fairytale-like intentions. This group has no other message or desire other than purely misogynistic, woman-hating, abusive feelings and it repulses me to an unhealthy degree.  They make ridiculous claims such as “1. Women are for three things: Cooking, cleaning, and pleasuring,” “9. If you think you’re smart it’s not cute, it’s really fucking annoying. Seriously what a joke. A smart girl? No way.” and my personal favorite: “13. The term rape implies that a woman’s consent matters. Obviously it does not matter so rape does not exist.”

And that’s not even the worst of it, the statements get much more misogynistic and sadistic. I can’t even to begin to explain how angry they made me. But once again, my mother told me to just “let it go,” and “don’t indulge them.” And did I listen like a good little girl? HA! No, I decided to write an article and spread the word about this disgusting group, as well as write several comments questioning the size of their sexual organs…but we can disregard that part. So my question is ladies, when is it ok to just let it go? Is it ever?

Also – join the group I Hate the “102 Things Girls Really Need To Know About Guys!” Group. They think it’s sexist, too.

Of all the things to spark a debate over the lack of gender neutrality in language, I really hadn’t expected Twitter.

Twitter seems to get a lot of flack. Upon telling people that I have a twitter, they usually roll their eyes or laugh in my face.

They tell me it’s Twitter promotes the death of language and creative thought.

They tell me that it’s weird to update people on everything you do (nobody cares) [OH BUT THEY DO] and it only promotes stalking.

But Facebook, which not only has a status update feature, but allows users to take stalking to a truly comprehensive level, by letting them read your conversations with others, view photos of you, and learn about your “interests and activities” — no that’s fine. Because it’s facebook, duh.

They make fun of the verb “to tweet.” I honestly fail to see the hilarity in the word “tweet.” The word “moist” is way funnier, and hardly anybody makes fun of that, they just casually throw it around when referring to baked goods.

The one criticism of Twitter I’ve gotten almost entirely from guys, the one that made me sure Twitter could never lead any kind of gender revolution was, “Straight guys don’t Twitter.”

I’m sorry…what’s that now? I didn’t know that a type of social networking could be deemed as restricted to certain sexualities. News to me! Especially since there are plenty of hetero guys on Twitter. I mean, Lance Armstrong is on twitter. So is Peter Facinelli (Dr. Cullen). I think Chuck Norris might be, but it’s not certified and the tweets are kind of sketch. Last I checked, none of them identify as gay. Apparently, if you update your status on twitter you’re gay, but if you do so on Facebook you’re straight as an arrow. Seriously, who comes up with this shit?

But I guess I was wrong, as apparently there’s a big twitter debate about finding a new, gender neutral pronoun. Because to have to clarify gender in 140 characters or less is challenging, not to mention that we shouldn’t have to clarify gender in the first place.

Some gender neutral pronoun suggestions are: s/he, he/she, shhe, hiser, heer, ha, thon, ne. And then there is the ever dreaded use of “they” as a singular pronoun.

OHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN’T USE A PLURAL PRONOUN TO REFER TO ONE PERSON. THE WORLD WILL BE CONSUMED BY THE WRATH OF THE GRAMMAR GODS IF YOU COMMIT SUCH AN ATROCITY AGAINST MANKIND!

My question is this: is it worse to continue using gendered pronouns (language matters, as fbomb commenters themselves have pointed out on numerous occasions) or to use a neutral plural pronoun as a singular pronoun?

Also, which one would you rather say in casual conversation: “they” or “thon” / “ne” / “ha” ? Yeah, that’s what I thought. It’s clear which word would make the transition easier.

So, thank you, Twitter, for sparking this debate. I’m glad that people are starting to talk about language as it applies to gender.

Now we just need to branch out from English. I’m going into Spanish 3 in school, and for those not in the know, Spanish is also pretty gendered. I also am learning Hindi, and that has a heck of a lot of gendered words. I’m sure there are many other gendered languages too.

I know I slip up a lot with my use of language, and a lot of well-meaning people do, too. It’s really hard to transition away from using such common words. But in the end, we all have to try.