Now you can imagine people’s initial reaction: complete shock. No one expects such a horrible thing to happen to somebody they might know. But after that, judgments flew. People called the girl a murderer, a baby killer. Then, of course, the situation exploded. The identity of the girl was released and the level of cruelty and bullying, especially on Facebook, reached a peak.

What struck me most about this situation was how quick my peers were to judge this girl. None of them stopped to think — really think — “what would I have done if that were me?” Really, what would you have done? Maybe you wouldn’t have acted the same way she did, but the bottom line is if you’re anything like me, then you can probably admit that you really have no idea what you would’ve done. Because that’s the thing: none of us know unless we are actually in that situation. And if we haven’t been in that situation, we can never fully know or understand what that girl went through. And because we don’t know and we don’t understand, we cannot judge her.

I think we can, however, judge society. We can judge an educational system that left this girl so in the dark she could not even recognize the basic signs of pregnancy. We can judge a system that failed to teach this girl about proper contraception, which could have prevented the entire situation. We can judge a society that left this girl so alone that she felt the need to hide this traumatic event from her family and friends. We can judge a society that would judge this girl. But I don’t think we can judge the girl – let alone bully her and treat her with cruelty – because none of us can truly, honestly understand what exactly happened and what she went through.

As much as my generation seems to support Facebook, I believe that underneath all that tagging and friending, there’s a deep-seated resentment that we’ve had to grow up in a world where it’s the norm to share your relationship status with strangers.

I’ve blogged before about the issues I think Facebook creates for teenage girls, and I’ve heard a lot more of my peers agreeing with me about the perils and annoyances of Facebook. My Facebook blog last year received more comments than any other piece I’ve posted, and it seems that many others share my attitude about Facebook: I wish that Facebook didn’t exist, yet I still have a Facebook for several reasons.

I hope to debunk the myth that all teenagers are drinking the facebook Kool-Aid and pose the question: will my generation ultimately defect from Facebook? Believe it or not, grownups, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a kid my age say they “love Facebook,” a two word pairing adults seem to imagine us uttering all the time. Clearly, despite its popularity, Facebook still strikes a lot of people in my generation as having negative impacts.

At this point, you’re probably wondering why I keep my Facebook. In a nutshell, I have a Facebook because I’ve always been afraid that deactivating it would cause my friendships with certain people to suffer. I have a lot of friends who I don’t go to school with, including friends from other countries who I’ve met through international programs I’ve attended. I also use Facebook to communicate with classmates about schoolwork and organize logistics for clubs.

Finally, I use Facebook because no one in my generation checks their email! Teenagers reading this: WTF? Like, maybe I’m being retro and old in saying this but email is a great way to communicate—and if any of you used it, I wouldn’t have to be so dependent on Facebook!

A few weeks ago, I set out to interview my friend, and Rachel Simmons’s former teen blogger, Lilly about her recent disappearance from Facebook. That’s right…Lilly is a Facebook defector. I went into my conversation with Lilly especially curious about three topics: friends, schoolwork, and email.

Lilly told me she abandoned Facebook this September, but that she’s wanted to do it for a long time. She’d resisted because she’d always thought that after she got to college, deactivating her Facebook would make it difficult to keep in touch her high school friends, a concern I definitely identified with.

I asked her about the strain on her friendships with these people. Lilly told me that she still communicates with many of them through text messaging and email (woohoo! What what!), but that it’s certainly true that she’s lost touch with some people by deactivating her Facebook. “It’s been very indicative of who my true friends are,” Lilly told me, “My birthday was on the 31st and it was definitely interesting to see who remembered without facebook there to remind them.” Lilly said she didn’t want to be part of such vapid measurements of relationships and that quitting facebook has helped her do this.

Lilly also talked about the pressure to cultivate a perfect persona through one’s Facebook profile or as she puts it, pressure to constantly be your own PR person. “The whole language of Facebook stalking really irks me. That’s so sad that that’s what our interactions have become. They’re so diluted. No one says on their profile…‘I’m really messy and I sorta suck sometimes.’”

Lilly said she still finds out about school events, clubs, and homework assignments, although she said she is sometimes the last to find out about parties. “Sometimes it means, you know, showing up at a party and not realizing it’s a costume party until you get there,” Lilly said, laughing. But, these are small issues Lilly is more than willing to deal with.

“It was just taking up so much time. I didn’t realize until I got rid of it how instinctual checking Facebook was for me.”

When I asked Lilly if she ever thought she’d return to Facebook, she told me that, although she had been planning on going back over winter break, she really doesn’t want to. “I don’t think I’ll ever want to go back to having it,” Lilly said, “And when I tell people I don’t have a Facebook, they sort of get this look on their faces…like they get it.”

After my conversation with Lilly I felt both more tempted to ditch Facebook and more frightened to do so. Facebook is such an integral part of all of our lives, yet many of us seem to be noticing its flaws more and more. I’m still not sure if I’m big enough to take the plunge…are you?

Originally posted on Rachel Simmon’s website. Check out Fiona’s own blog, Barbara’s Angels.

sometimes, alone time is a good thing

When I was fourteen, my dad told me that the most important thing I would ever learn was how to be alone. Granted, he said this as he took away my cell phone, Facebook and cut off all ties I had to the outside world. I was crushed to say the least. At the time, high-school-freshman-me felt like my dad was completely overreacting to the fact that I had made out with a boy, especially since he was my boyfriend. That meant something, right? And my friends had all kissed boys, so I didn’t understand why it wasn’t okay that I had, too.

However, the time spent on my virtual desert island, as sucky as it was, really allowed me time to think. During this period I spent most waking moments alone in my room — it was that or talk to my repressive parents, so the choice was obvious. Stuck in my own head, I was able to think about the boundaries I needed to set for myself. I’d already hit first base, and rounding home was clearly the point of the game. Only here’s the thing: at fourteen, the idea of doing anything more than kissing terrified me.

Even though I was perfectly content with simply kissing, my boyfriend at the time was pushing me to do more. After all, we really did care about each other and both of us had heard stories of other fun “extracurriculars” our older friends partook in. Even though at the time I was uncomfortable with handjobs, blowjobs and *whisper* sex, I was considering trying them. But the thing was, I was only thinking about doing them because I wanted to be liked. On my personal lonely island, I came to the realization that if I gave into any of those things at that moment in time, I wouldn’t like myself.

That’s how I learned that if your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t respect your personal boundaries, forget them. You do you.

In the meantime, I’ve compiled a list of fun things to do solo, until you find the right person and it feels like the right time.

- write haikus professing your undying love to yourself
- beat your personal best running time
- catch up on your zzz’s (no need for beauty sleep, we’re all beautiful to begin with)
- practice kissing on your hand (no need to get out of practice)
- learn to cook your favorite meal

The thing is, after I spent all that time without having to please other people, I no longer felt the need to compromise on things I knew would bother me just to be with a certain boy or even a certain group of people. My advice for everyone out there is to learn to be your own best friend. It’s the one person you have to live with for the rest of your life. So BEFORE you end up in an intimate situation with anyone, think about what you’re comfortable with. That way, when you are with somebody you respect and you feel ready, the whole experience will be that much better.

is YOUR profile safe?

A couple of weeks ago, an article on Mookychick highlighted an issue of hacked photos on adult websites. It’s a practice that’s going on for a little while, but it’s starting to trend, and it’s misogynist and tantamount to abuse.

Essentially, a crop of websites are hacking into photos uploaded to social networking sites such as Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and Tumblr – websites that most of us use, and many of us upload photos to.

Pictures of women and teenage girls are being hacked into and published entirely without the girls’ knowledge or consent – on adult websites. It appears to be a legal practice, as it largely keeps within the privacy terms and conditions of social network sites.

For teenage girls and women, it’s a nasty catch 22. No one likes the thought of their images being used for titillation without consent. But how are we meant to know about it, unless we frequent the sites in question?

So these sites are getting away scot-free. Even worse, if you look at their promotional imagery and advertising, they are actively boasting about the fact that their photos are stolen.

Obviously, we have a choice in what images we choose to upload to social network sites. We also have a personal responsibility to ourselves to check privacy policies. However, it’s no guarantee that our images won’t be used if they are always fully-clothed. The sites in question promote fully-clothed hacked photos as well as ones where the unwitting models are in a state of undress.

There have been cases of women and girls taking a stand against this unnerving trend, most prominently the case of Lara Jade who successfully sued for damages against an adult website found to be using her photo without her permission. But it was a gruelling process, and success stories like this are few and far between.

At the moment, the law does not appear to be on our side. All we can do is take care with our choice of photos to upload, and check the privacy policies of social network sites.

When I’ve talked about this with others, I’ve been surprised by the number of people who have shrugged sagely and essentially said, “It happens. Deal with it.” Personally, I’m uncomfortable with that. I get that it’s technically possible to hack photos for use elsewhere. I get, also, that it appears to be legal. What I’m uncomfortable with is the “lie down and take it” ethos. If people don’t show their awareness and condemnation of this trend, how is it ever going to get into the public eye? Why would the adult websites in question ever choose to stop this practice?

A woman – or girl – has the right to upload any photo she pleases. Realistically, one can accept that an individual here or there might steal a photo for their personal titillation. Not nice, but it happens. But that’s a far cry from organised outfits doing it on a large scale, for commercial gain, and boasting about it.

That’s a worrying trend indeed.

I love Sheryl Sandberg

I’m always bitching about how few really positive female role models are out there for young girls. Considering the celebrities we have worshiped / continue to worship - Snooki, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton – it doesn’t exactly take a rocket scientist to wonder why so many girls are more concerned with partying than studying and why their number one life goal is to date a rock star rather than become the first female president.

But that is exactly why it’s so important to focus on the women who are positive role models – who are doing amazing things in the world and whom young girls everywhere should be looking up to. Enter Sheryl Sandberg.

Sheryl Sandberg has been on my radar for a little while. She gave this year’s commencement speech at Barnard , which I watched on YouTube and found extremely impressive. I later watched her TED talk, which, although it predated her Barnard speech, didn’t enter my sphere of consciousness until a couple months ago. Most recently I read the recent New Yorker piece which profiled her. That is when I began to develop a legitimate girl crush.

Yes, while my friends girl crush on the likes of Blake Lively and contestants on America’s Next Top Model, I’m flipping out about Facebook’s 41-year-old COO. Story of my life.

I could go on and on about why Sandberg is a worthy role model, but I think the thing that I most appreciate about her is how she makes feminism an individual pursuit. She looks to make progress not on behalf of millions of other women, but rather advocates for herself and her individual accomplishments, which in turn shows the world what all women are capable of. It’s not that advocating for others isn’t important – it obviously is. But I think it’s equally as important to actually go out there and get shit done instead of just talking about what needs to change and telling everybody else to change. Sandberg makes the change herself.

Specifically, in Sandberg’s TED talk about women in the work force, she puts aside the issues of flex-time and work-life balance (while still admitting they’re important) to talk about what each individual woman can do in the workplace. She preaches the message of “Sit at the table,” (be more active and involved in your work); “make your partner a real partner” (share household responsibilities, co-parent, etc.); and “don’t leave before you leave” (don’t hold back in your work because you think one day you’ll leave to have a family).

I think we can all agree that the waves of feminism before us have done amazing work in breaking barriers and allowing us to really be in the workplace at all. I think it’s true that sexism and discrimination still exists there. But I think what Sandberg says about my generation and the generation before us still hanging on to more traditional, domestic values and pursuits is true: we need to be more willing to dedicate ourselves to our work or we can never really expect equality there.

Her message of finding something you really love to do is also very important. Personally, I know that because I have found something I love to do (writing) I find it very hard to believe that anything could sway me to stop doing it in the future, despite whether or not I get married and have children. But even now when we talk about our futures, I already hear friends of mine who don’t have such a clear direction or passion saying that eventually they’ll just raise a family, or they’re planning on marrying their current boyfriends – as doing so is just the default if they can’t think of anything else they’d rather do.

Sandberg’s message is one of encouraging passion and self-respect. It’s one of taking care of yourself and reaching your potential first before you give yourself to others. And it’s unequivocally a message of girl power.

Don’t worry. I’m willing to share my girl crush.

the joke that started it all

Me: Make me a sandwich?

That was my Facebook status recently, and it led to a whole debate. People were saying that I should be in the kitchen, making food (should’ve expected that one) and I responded by telling them that a woman’s place is not in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant. I mean, I’m a med student for Pete’s sake!

Yes, I want to be a mother and yes, I could use some cooking practice, but that doesn’t mean that’s all I should do. So my housemates and I eat two minute noodles and use those ingenious ready made meals. So what? We don’t have the time or the energy to slave away in front of the stove for hours on end. Hats off to the women who have, seriously, but that’s not for us.

Later, the “F” word pops up in my inbox. Yes, feminist. This got me thinking. Am I really a feminist? I mean, I want to be a mother, I want to be the best wife I can be, but I have always thought of myself as a feminist – just not the stereotype of a crazy feminist that people seem to automatically assume is what all feminists are like.

My response to being called a feminist? “What of that? There’s nothing wrong with being a feminist.” And there isn’t. Being a feminist doesn’t mean that I think all men are the scum of the earth (only some). And it also doesn’t mean that I want to replace every male with the “awesomer” sex, because that would be ridiculous.

I also recognize that there are differences between each sex. We’re equal and should all be treated equally, but we’re not the same. We’re not lower than them on the ladder of life and they’re not lower than us. We’re on totally different ladders, reaching for totally different things. As it should be.

I personally like the feel of being held in a man’s big, strong arms, and yes, maybe I should  learn to cook. I can’t live off microwave food forever. But in the end, that’s what feminism is about. It’s not about trying to be better, it’s trying to be equal and doing the things that make you happy despite your sex or what society expects of you.

It Girl: The Facebook Game

I’m a feminist and as such I try to make conscious decisions in my daily life that uphold feminist ideals. But then came It Girl. It Girl is a facebook game centered around fashion, partying, and dating. It is one of the few MMO-esque games marketed exclusively to women. The game is simple, create an avatar, buy clothes, go to parties, compete against other users. Yes, you compete against other users in “showdowns” where you can earn money and fame. You level up by shaming other girls with your fashion skills.

This game represents everything that I stand against. It Girl emphasizes style over substance. It Girl tells you that you can improve your reputation through the newest clothes or hottest boyfriends. Worst of all it pits you against other players who are not NPCs but actual people, other women somewhere out the real world.

So why can’t I stop playing?

I was introduced to It Girl a few months ago by a sorority sister. In the game I have a “clique” entirely made up of fellow students from my university. We’re on it everyday meeting each other’s in game boyfriends, giving each other confidence boosts to beat some other girl at a party. We’re addicted.

So why is this game so appealing? Is it that it’s an MMO similar to the Sims? Is it that cute clothes and cartoons are fun? Or is there some greater latent desire to challenge other women, to prove our femininity? Help me Internet, you’re my only hope. Why can’t I stop playing this game that stands for everything that I hate?

America 2049 is Breakthrough’s new groundbreaking alternate reality game on Facebook that presents a near-future America at a dangerous crossroads. Human rights are in peril; democracy is on the brink of destruction.

You, the player, are an agent of the Council on American Heritage. Tasked with the capture of a presumed terrorist, you are sent into high-risk situations that challenge you to ask: What if? How close have we already come to America 2049? How can we work together—in real life—to build a better future?

America 2049 is the first Facebook game to integrate the social networking platform with many other resources, online and off: multimedia and interactive features, historical artifacts, clues planted across the Internet and real-life events at leading cultural institutions nationwide.

America 2049 was conceived and produced by Breakthrough (breakthrough.tv), a global human rights organization that uses the power of pop culture to advance equality, dignity, and justice.

don't judge.

These days, the only way I can get my friends together is through Facebook. That handy little “Events” section has really helped organize my social life. So, imagine my surprise when I logged on today to see“Smack a Slut Week” as an event I was previously invited to. Smack a Slut week, if you aren’t privy to such information, lasts from October 3rd to October 7th and can be celebrated “anywhere you like,” by, you guessed it, smackin’ sluts.

Most of the comments were your standard derogatory jokes about those darn sluts and their slutty, evil ways. Some of my more enlightened folks bravely attempted to battle this obviously sexist malarkey. But then I saw this gem from one of the event’s attendees. She said, “Nobody realizes the levels of both sarcasm, and ‘non-seriousness’ to this. LOOK AT HOW MANY WOMEN ARE ATTENDING THE EVENT. It’s not like men are going ‘oh man I can’t wait for that one week in October, I’m gonna hit so many bitches.’ They’re going ‘LOLOL THIS IS BETTER THAN HUG-A-POLE DAY.’? Everyone overreacting about this is overreacting like FUCK.”

Ah, the old, “LAWL GAIZ, IT’S JUST A JOKE,” excuse. Clearly it’s just a joke, so no one’s taking this seriously. No one slut shames women who choose to publically explore their sexuality. Especially not women and young girls. It’s not like the creator of this event is a man who chose a rather tasteful picture of Christina Aguilera to depict his idea of a slut. It’s not like guys have been posting all over the boards things like, “Man, I hate sluts,” or, “I really hate these dumb sluts!” No one takes jokes against women seriously, right?

Think again. A study done by Thomas Ford at the Western Carolina University found that sexist humor does impact the way we view women, subconsciously. It found that men discriminated against women more often when exposed to sexist jokes than both non-humorous sexist statements and neutral, non-sexist jokes. Ford had this to say on his findings: “We believe that this shows that humorous disparagement creates the perception of a shared standard of tolerance of discrimination that may guide behavior when people believe others feel the same way.”

And it’s not just that sexist jokes subconsciously manipulate how we view and treat women. It’s the fact that we even consider women who are sexually active a joke in our society, as if to say, “Ho ha, silly female, don’t you know you’re supposed to keep that vagina of yours a secret?” The slut is never the good girl in stories or movies. The slut is always Taylor Swift’s enemy in her songs, the troubled girl in a family sitcom, or the simple-and-sexually-available archetype in movies. Sluts are shamed, to a great degree, by females themselves. Just ask any high school girl what her go-to insult is about another girl who stole her boyfriend, a girl who wears revealing clothing, or just a girl she doesn’t particularly care for. Women participate in slut-shaming and women-hating as much as anyone else.

The debate about Smack a Slut Week shouldn’t be “is it or is it not” a joke. It shouldn’t be about how many girls are in the group. It should be about whether the message being sent to and about women, especially sexually open women, is positive or negative. If there is any positive aspect to Smack a Slut Week, I certainly don’t see it. All I see is yet another way men and women alike gang up on women who dare to live their sexual lives outside the societal norm.

Facebook: the root of all evil?

The media would like you to believe that every time you log on to Facebook or – god forbid – the evil black hole of narcissism that is Twitter, another nail is inserted into the coffin of your general ability to function as a capable, well-rounded human being. Every time you update your status, every uploaded picture taken of yourself on your macbook, every “100 Things You Didn’t Know About Me!” note you write, a modicum of self-awareness and empathy seeps from your pores. Essentially, the social networking sites that virtually our entire generation frequently uses are turning us into self-obsessed, unfeeling robots who will contribute nothing of worth to society.

Now, I don’t know that this is entirely true. But if I see one more teaser for the 11:00 news that goes something like, “Is the bullying epidemic caused by Facebook?” or, even better, “IS YOUR TEEN SEXTING? (GO CONFISCATE YOUR PROSTITUTE OFFSPRING’S PHONE AND LOCK THEM IN THE CELLAR IMMEDIATELY)” without the teen perspective represented, I’m going to down a bottle of Nyquil.

It’s true. Technology has presented us with some problems. Cyberbullying is probably #1 on the list of reasons why we could have done without certain technological advances – as evidenced by the experiences of Phoebe Prince and Megan Meier – which has already been given some media attention.

Also, the promotion of narcissism isn’t completely far-fetched. But it’s more complicated than the “everybody must be interested in what I’m doing and saying and thinking” mindset. This culture is actually an offset of the girl culture feminists have been examining for a few decades now. Think Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters or The Body Project.

When you’re on Facebook, you are putting on a performance. Between your profile, your photo albums, your status updates, even what you write on your friends’ walls (because you know other people can see those posts) you are cultivating an image of yourself that you have complete control over, and it does encourage us to think about ourselves. Excessively. But it’s also a source of competition and comparison.

By looking at other people’s profiles and pictures and apparent wealth of friendships, we automatically compare ourselves to others. We think “She looks like a model in her profile picture. Why don’t I look like that? I have to spend hours getting the perfect profile picture to compete with her.” We think, “So many people write on her wall. I need to write on a ton of peoples’ walls so that they write on mine and it looks like I have a ton of friends.” It’s less about over-confident narcissism and more fueled by the opposite – complete insecurity and need to over-compensate.

But this also isn’t all of us. There are some people who have facebook accounts, but really do use them to have real conversations with people  or to actually put up photos with the intent of sharing part of their lives with others. And, conversely, there are also people who are legitimately full of themselves (aren’t there always?). I know people who go on Facebook like it’s their job (they literally go on after school and stay on until late at night), dominate everybody’s newsfeed by posting on everybody’s walls whether they have anything to say or not (“REMEMBER. I’M HERE. I’M IMPORTANT.”) and one has even been known to update her status with high thoughts such as “I just filled my nearly empty tank completely full with gas!” If this sounds like you, then yes, you are probably a little bit narcissist.

However, while I am genuinely concerned about my generation, and I think technology is intrinsically tied into this concern, as a feminist I believe technology has the capacity to not only support feminist values but further the feminist cause. I believe that empathy should be a quality that is high up on the priority lists of our emotional capacities. Technology has the ability to connect us on a global scale more than ever, which ideally should not only open our minds and hearts to other cultures, but also give us some perspective about life in other parts of the world.

technology and networking

Yes, it’s easy to think that everything is just hunky dory when you live in a first-world country. But technology allows no more excuses for those same people to be ignorant about the plights of others. Don’t really know what’s going on the Democratic Republic of Congo? Haven’t heard about the systemic rape as a weapon of war that’s been going on there as you go about your daily life? Well, the New York Times online has reported about it in the past, and more information is just a google search away. There’s just no excuse anymore to be uninformed about the world around us. And with this knowledge generally comes the desire to help. Also, it’s hard to counter feminism with the claim that we’re all equal and everybody’s lives are great when faced with such information.

Technology also makes it more natural than ever for teens – especially teen girls – to learn the ins and outs of networking, something Gloria Steinem identified as a roadblock to workplace equity in the 70’s. We’re able to create groups and events on Facebook to more effectively support causes we believe in and get more people involved. I’m confident that this form of grassroots organizing that has become a part of our daily lives can only be positive.

So ultimately should we fear technology as the ultimate downfall of our society? No. Technology clearly has the capacity for good, it’s just our jobs as feminists (and a society at all) to harness that good and try to eliminate the bad.