I am Carl. dead serious.

UP passed the $280 mil mark, 2nd only to Finding Nemo of Pixar’s movies (because Ellen is a beast). UP is the best movie ever. I’m hypercritical of everything and I couldn’t find anything wrong with it. I do not like the cone of shame. Hahahaha. Moving on. 

*valid point made after this was posted: lack of female characters. This is true. Especially with the dogs? Wtf not even logical. I still thought this was a great movie with positive messages. 

Vanessa Hudgens is going to play a hooker in the new film “Sucker Punch.” Of the role, Hudgens said, “I’m playing a character name Blondie and it’s set in a brothel in the 1950′s, so there’s not a whole lot of clothes.” 
Um…very good, Vanessa. Clapclapclap. 
For some reason she continued, “I think this is my time to really step it up and get to grow up. It will be somewhat different with the content and a few more foul words, but that’s the biggest difference.”

Where are you going to college, Gabriella?I'm not going to college, I'm gonna be a HOOKER!

Going from playing an annoyingly naive and bubbly high school sweetheart who couldn’t kiss her boyfriend until the sequel to a hooker with a sailor’s mouth…uh no, not too different.
It’s really not fair. I’d probably hate her a lot less if she weren’t dating Zac Efron. That may not be true.

Emma Watson had an awkward kiss with Rupert Grint. More interestingly (and OUTRAGEOUSLY) she isn’t interested in Robert Pattinson romantically.
I’msorrywhat?
“He’s just a good friend. He’s a super-nice guy, and girls love him. We’re just friends–but he sure was great to work with.” she told the NY Daily News. 

blind? perhaps...

Okay how’s this — I’m calling this right now. Emma Watson is going to Columbia University next year. James Franco goes there now. That campus is small, and not exactly teeming with celebrities. I’m calling that couple.

Finally:

THE GAY PENGUINS AT THE SAN FRANCISCO ZOO BROKE UP. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

no longer...

Harry and Pepper called it quits last week. They got together 6 years ago as “adolescents” when Harry the broad-shouldered stud hit on Pepper, the brooding and mysterious loner. The zookeepers thought it was a phase. But this was for real, folks, as they soon began to nest together. A serious step, but they handled it well, and in fact zookeepers claim they were the best couple on “the island.” Harry and Pepper + 1 = a beautiful penguin family. 

And then this skank Linda came along.  I mean sure, she was recently widowed, probably needed comforting, but apparently she had a long reputation of canoodling before this marriage. She moved in on this dude Fig HOURS after his wifepenguin died. NOT COOL. 

Then one day, poor old Fig died, and Linda moved in on Harry. Pepper’s Harry! There was a whole ugly confrontation scene where Harry attacked Pepper (YOU NEVER LOVED ME YOU NEVER PAID ATTENTION TO ME). Harry and Linda nested and Pepper moved to a bachelor pad.

Apparently July and August are molting season. So it’s time for Pepper to get his groove back. I will wait with baited breath.

I love penguins! Whenever I hear of animals who have fucked up relationships I feel a little better about the crazy things I observe in humans. A little. 

Sources: San Fran Examiner, Fox News, Dlisted, MTV, others…