haven't heard much about her lately. Maybe it's because she's, like, raising her child?

I am 17, and when I close my eyes and think of what my life would be like if I were to become pregnant in the near future, my cynical mind goes here: I am holding a tiny child that is crying and spitting something that was probably at one time the baby food I bought instead of those jeans I *really fricken wanted* as I am on the computer, turning down the college of my dreams in favor of an educational option that will allow me to raise my little bundle of joy. I haven’t slept more than 3 hours at a time in a few months, and sleep ranks right below eating and right above breathing on my list of general priorities. I call the father of little Finneus (or maybe Bartleby. I was really out of it and freakin pissed when I named this kid) to come take this burping, pooping gift from above off my feeble hands, but he’s not answering because he’s off being a normal kid, because of all those dumb ass gender double standards that are becoming more apparent to me than ever. Then I ask my parents to take him for a few minutes, and they’re shaking their heads, saying, “You got yourself into this mess, you have to deal with it.” Then I start crying louder than baby Finn.

While I tend to see the extreme downside of this situation, people seem to think that most teens are thinking this: A baby: somebody super cute who I can play with and who will love me unconditionally! It means my boyfriend and I will be together FOREVER (I mean, we were going to be anyway, but now it’s SET) and I can finally start the rest of my life (before it has even started). In reality, there are plenty of teen moms who were not necessarily deluded into a fairy-tale ending - in fact, it may be most of them. There are many girls who were dealt the crappy card of growing up in the era where Bush went, “Despite all evidence to the contrary, I’m going to go with abstinence only sex education!” And I’m sure there were girls who did use birth control…just not correctly or consistently.

But no matter how teen girls think about pregnancy, it’s impossible to deny that in recent years the media has thought to itself, “Well we’ve exhausted all the trite story lines about drug abuse…what’s next? Teen pregnancy? Alright! Let’s go exploit it!” Between Juno, Teen Mom, 16 and Pregnant, Secret Life, Jamie Lynn Spears (who?), Bristol Palin’s life and Lifetime’s masterpiece The Pregnancy Pact (a terribly written dramatization of something that may or may not have happened in Massachusetts) and beyond, teens have been inundated with images of teen pregnancy

Here’s the deal. The media seems to be framing this as a situation where teens see pregnancy glamorized in the “I’m-so-happy-I-have-a-kid-at-16-my-life-rocks!” way, and this is the Very Big Problem. As a teen, I can tell you the issue generally is not that we’re fooled by the media telling us how much fun being a mommy is. Most of us can envision the aforementioned scenario of a kid making our personal goals fifty billion times harder to achieve, and don’t want one. We’re actually not mindless robots that see teen moms on TV and go: PLEASE. LET. THAT. BE. ME.

No, the problem is that we’re just used to it. We’re not shocked by it anymore and the MAJORITY of us are  not seeing it in terms of extremes at all. Oh, somebody else is pregnant at our high school…well, it happens, we think. Oh, we have options now, so if I did get pregnant I guess it wouldn’t be the absolute worst thing in the world. Ergo, a lot of us stop thinking about birth control as much and stop being as vigilant about protecting ourselves. And let’s face it, that lax attitude means opening ourselves up to STDs, as well – something the focus on PREGNANCY has completely negated from teens’ awareness. To us, sex = pregnancy, for better or for worse, and the conversation about STDs has been left in the dust. Maybe that’s why 50% of new HIV infections are amongst kids aged 16-24, and why Chlamydia and Syphilis – STDS once considered to be virtually under control in the general population – are staging a comeback, mostly in our age group. Seriously.

Forever 21's Maternity Line

So when I heard that Forever 21 recently launched a maternity line – and targeted it’s marketing to states with the highest teen pregnancy rates – I was pretty freaking pissed. Having TV shows and movies about teen pregnancy is one thing; say what you want, but all of those outlets at least have attempted to show the downside of teen pregnancy, even if they generally fail. Having a clothing line specified for teen pregnancy brings the normalization to an all time high, and capitalizing on this “phenomenon” is gross. Now we don’t even have to give up fashion to be a mommy, not to mention that every time we go into that store we are again hit with the idea “teen pregnancy is just not that big a deal.”

Now, I’m not advocating that adults scare the shit out of teens and tell us, “if you have sex, you will get pregnant…and DIE” a la Mean Girls. Nor am I denouncing teen mothers (they shouldn’t be written off from society just because they have kids, y’hear?). All I’m saying is that teen pregnancy is not NORMAL nor should it be. Teen pregnancy has happened, does happen and always will happen, but that does not mean we should give up advocating for comprehensive birth control, and generally advocating for women to want more for themselves than to become mothers while they’re still children themselves. When the shows we watch and now the stores we shop in start normalizing this image, however – then we have a problem. I’m proposing an alternative: let’s all get together and NORMALIZE BIRTH CONTROL/SAFE SEX!

There are a lot of things that suck about high school. For one, getting up after about four hours of sleep because of some ridiculous paper I forgot was due and started at 11. Also, having to pick out an outfit that won’t make me look like I escaped from a mental institution. Another one is the “boyfriend” issue. I always get asked by parents (mine AND others) and other various clueless adults seeking insight into our world, if having a boyfriend is still all that important to girls. Without even getting into the “it’s not an assumption that all teenage girls are heterosexual…it’s a fact in my mind” issue of misguided adults, they also reason that girls have as many extra-curriculars as boys (as if boys used to be our after school activity?), and we are more independent (okay…) so why is having one still as important?

Now, I personally can only speak to why girls have boyfriends, but the first thing they have to realize is that girls don’t have boyfriends because they’re so ridiculously insecure and desperate that they can’t exist without some guy agreeing to pay for their pizza every once in a while. Well…most of the time.

First, there’s the obvious fact of our raging hormones. I think people underestimate girls and their hormones. Just because we’re capable of controlling them doesn’t mean we’re not as affected as guys. I know I have a friend whose conversational repertoire is that of eating and hooking up. She’s actually worse than most guys I know. I’m not sure that’s really something to be proud of, that some girls are that single minded, but its true and its something that’s accepted for boys.

Mostly, I think it’s because having a boyfriend is fun. A boyfriend (a good boyfriend, anyway) is there for you when you want to talk and generally cares about you.

Also, it seems like a lot of the time girls have boyfriends so that people will pay attention. Like, on facebook, everyone knows that that little heart symbol is the most clicked on link in the mini-feed. You’re announcing to everyone that someone likes you; someone thinks you’re pretty, funny, nice, whatever: you’re worth it. A lot of the time that real connection isn’t even there: its just affirmation.

So, there’s status. Even if two people who aren’t popular at ALL get together, they’re talked about. Even if no one cared about him or her singularly, together they get talked about, even if it is in more of a surprised way than a jealous way.

I don’t think having a boyfriend is bad. I don’t think it’s anti-feminist. People at my school assume I don’t have a boyfriend because I’m a feminist (or that I’m a lesbian. They’re very creative). I guess they think that the only way a girl can be independent is if she doesn’t have that overwhelming influence of a guy. Well, guess what? Girls can still have their own opinions AND have boyfriends! Yes, we ARE able to overcome the overwhelming power and intellect of teenage boys! Their extreme brilliance and ideals do NOT sway us in any way! Puh-lease. Teenage boys don’t know what the hell is going on.

I know in my life, having a boyfriend has made a difference. Even if its not really discussed or pointed out, I know when I’ve been in relationships, some girls (who also had boyfriends or who just think they’re hot) would talk to me more, respect me more (because that’s just a display of my talent-Look, I caught one!). But the thing is the difference was never personal. I was always the same person, just treated differently.

So my question is this: why or why don’t you have a boyfriend? Status? Fun? All of the above?

breaking up sucks

A few weeks ago, one of my best friends broke up with her boyfriend. I’m a teenager, so I should probably be used to this by now. It seems as though I can’t make it through an entire week at school without hearing about some type of relationship drama. But this break up moved past the realm of crying-in-the-bathroom-hysterically-with-your-friends-huddled-around-you-one-day-fine-the-next typical high school break up. This one was pretty bad.

Now, I’m of the school of thought that the end of a relationship doesn’t equate to the end of the world. While some might sarcastically comment, “How shocking that your life does not revolve around guys. You’re only a super-feminist” I’m not convinced that this personal way of thinking is entirely connected to my feminist sensibility. The fact that I’m a feminist  has no effect on how much I love my significant other, and how much it hurts when they’re not in my life anymore. I’m a feminist, not a robot. But ultimately, life goes on, and while my aversion to mooning over some guy is related to my feminist independence, I do believe that it’s just as related to my personal practicality and ability to plain old get on with my life.

Or at least that’s what I thought until now.

My friend is totally a strong and independent woman. She stands up for women’s rights and completely holds her own with guys, demanding respect. Yet she has never identified as a feminist, and it’s been weeks since she broke up with her boyfriend and she’s still walking around like a zombie and is unable to really be near him.

Like I said, I feel like the way that I have dealt with my break ups was a personal thing: I am a person who is able to move on. I’m not convinced that that is because I’m a feminist. But then here’s my strong friend, who I believed because of her personality would react to a break up in the same way as I do, crumbling over a guy. She’s not a self-identifying feminist and I am. Hmmm.

Which is why I am turning to this wonderful community of feminist teens, who have undoubtedly been through this before. What does a feminist break up look like? Do you think that the way you break up is even related to whether or not you’re a feminist?

Tinnie asks:

"So...i was just wondering...are you a sexist pig, perchance?"

I’m sure this has crossed many young feminists minds. When I say, “young feminists”, I mean younger then 25 (very young I guess). How are we supposed to date men (specifically), when in the back of our minds we have that caution tape? We are so aware of the crimes men have caused to our gender, so aware of how men think and treat females, how can we possibly not only begin to perhaps tell them not only that we are feminists but to see if they are those sexist pricks we have been fighting for so long?

I find it so incredibly hard just to talk to other women who are completely ignorant about feminism and the idealogy of it, I don’t even want to try to pursue relationships anymore. I don’t know how to gently lay out my cause or even a sneakier way–how to test a guy. This may just be basic courting skills, but my mother never taught me how to test a guy for closeted sexism or male supremacy. I want to know if any of you younger feminists have a theory on how to address this and if it worked.

I’m sure there must be a ton of fbombers with an opinion on this one.